With the NFL season nearly here, commissioner Roger Goodell is undoubtedly bracing himself for another year of high-profile scandals involving his players. It's a record everyone is tired of hearing, but no one knows how to turn it off.

Well, I'm no psychologist, so I can't explain why some players are S.O.S. -- stuck on stupid. But I have clubbed all over this planet, so I know a few things about partying drama-free.

Some things are no-brainers, such as don't get high in public. Others are trickier, such as monitoring the guy-to-girl ratio. I make no guarantees, but if athletes follow my 10 rules of partying, they have a good chance of avoiding legal woes. And Goodell, and David Stern and so on.

1. Avoid metal detectors.
Unless you're in an airport, you should not have to empty your pockets to walk into someplace. Why on Earth would a millionaire athlete want to be in an environment where there could be strapped, ignorant folks drinking large quantities of alcohol and haterade?
I'm not saying don't party with your people. But if you're greeted by a metal detector, management basically is saying, "Welcome to our club, you or someone you know might get shot."

2. Hire a driver.
Pretty self-explanatory, right?

3. BYOC.
It's real simple: If you like unplanned pregnancies and/or sexually transmitted diseases, by all means, take a chance the girl didn't prick the condom in her purse with a safety pin, hoping to lure you into paying child support for the next 20 years. Otherwise, act like a Boy Scout and be prepared.

4. Text your hookup as soon as she leaves to tell her you had a great time.
Unless you're really lousy in bed, she will respond favorably, thus providing you with time-stamped proof that the sex was consensual. Yeah, it's calculative, but hookups aren't about romance.



5. Unless you're in a gay bar, the female-to-male ratio must be at least 1½ to 1, otherwise there will be trouble.
If you are in a gay bar, the ratio should be reversed.



6. Avoid clubs that advertise "Nude Girls" in neon lights outside.
Lap dances, cheap steak dinners … sure, strip clubs are a lot of fun. But as a general rule, no party veteran worth his weight in singles goes anywhere near neon lights -- let alone neon lights advertising a strip club.
For one thing, neon lights are aimed at tourists who don't know where to go, and thus are likely to attract thieves looking to rob drunk, unsuspecting out-of-towners. For another thing, the women will be less attractive. I'm sorry, but it's true. The better the clientele, the more selective management will be when hiring the women.
If the spot is glowing in neon lights, it's playing a numbers game -- get in as many folks as possible. If it's more discreet, it's aiming for quality -- fewer people, higher prices, but less hassle.

7. If you dress like a gangsta, act like a gangsta and refer to yourself as a gangsta, expect some gangsta #$%& to happen to you -- like jail, perhaps.
You are what you project.

8. If she says she doesn't know who you are, chances are she's lying.
Especially if she asks whether the Lakers play baseball. She's just trying way too hard to appear disinterested in sports -- which means she's probably following you on Twitter. In today's age of information overload and blurred lines between sports and pop culture, if you're on TV on the regular, assume people know who you are. That doesn't mean you should be an arrogant jerk, but don't be a fool, either.
I know a player who threw a large-scale fundraiser at his house and met a girl who told him she didn't know who he was -- and he fell for it. Dirk Nowitzki is a 7-foot German living in Texas, and he fell for it. We all want to be loved for who we are, not what we are. But we also want honesty, and if the girl can't be real about the obvious stuff, how do you know she's being real about anything else?

9. Make a picture of your family the screen saver on your cell phone.
Just a gentle reminder of what you stand to lose -- which may stop you from doing something crazy like, I don't know, having extramarital sex on a restaurant table and then blaming the media for making your wife upset.

10. Bring the hotness, don't go to it.
If you hear the phrase "Everybody will be there," that means everybody will be there. You're the athlete. You're the star. You don't have to go to where the party's at. Your presence should help make a spot hot.
Now, sometimes you do want to flex and roll up in a spot 12-deep and show everybody you're the man. Those are the times when you're feeling insecure. If your primary goal is to hang out with your friends, meet some cool people and have a good time, you don't need to be the center of attention at some radio station party.
Remember, the more insignificant you make the other men in the room feel, the more tension there will be. The more you flaunt your wealth and status, the more resentment there will be. And if the drinks are half off 'til 11 and you walked through a metal detector, you're just asking for trouble.

LZ Granderson is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine and a regular contributor to Page 2. He can be reached at lzgranderson@yahoo.com.

Tags: Athletes, Rules

Views: 27

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

EVERY athlete should read this 'detailed list'.
Who is he referring to at #9?
Who ISN'T he referring to? Kobe, Shaq, McNair (RIP), Dwade,I mean all of them that are married NEED to take heed to that advice!

Ph@tty said:
Who is he referring to at #9?
Athletes need to print this list and hang it in their closet and read it before they leave the house while they're dressing. But honestly even if they followed this list trouble will eventually come looking for them.
Rick Pitino... he was talking about Rick Pitino in #9...
Yep, he got mad with the media...Hell he did it...

Pretty In My Pink said:
Rick Pitino... he was talking about Rick Pitino in #9...
This is a good post
Great post! I have to honestly say Im not a sports fan, so chances are I may not know u sweety ;-)
loves it!

Reply to Discussion

RSS

ADVERTISEMENT

Connect


BallerBoards

Zane's "ADDICTED" Trailer

Started by Sheli in Talk Ish. Last reply by Love love!!! 1 minute ago. 15 Replies

I have to re-read this book, the trailer is reminding me of the movie "Unfaithful" but I'm excited to see this as well!Continue

Tags: trailer, addicted, zane

New York scene same crowd different day? What's new

Started by Nia Cunningham in Talk Ish 2 hours ago. 0 Replies

Hey mama's,I'm not new to BA, but I lost my old profile login and had to create a new one. Anyway back to the title at hand. The rundown, I have been in a almost 3 year relationship which is at the…Continue

"Black Life" in Dallas TX

Started by Sheli in Talk Ish. Last reply by Mochacashmere 3 hours ago. 24 Replies

So I was offered a job in Dallas, Texas, I haven't accepted yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going to, but here's my gripe, I was telling one of my close friends about it and she immediately told me I…Continue

Latest Activity

Peachkyss and Aarynn Denise are now friends
6 minutes ago
Truthful commented on Eleven8's blog post Baller Mail - How I Lost My Daughter To Depression
"First let me start of by saying that mental illness is a serious condition. My heart goes out to…"
11 minutes ago
EmpressSoDivine liked Nia Cunningham's discussion New York scene same crowd different day? What's new
32 minutes ago
ThaPrototype commented on Aarynn Denise's blog post Remy Ma Set To Be Released From Prison Tomorrow
"Milk I'm so with you. Especially the southern folk..we are clearly left out of the hype…"
40 minutes ago
MilkHoney commented on Aarynn Denise's blog post Remy Ma Set To Be Released From Prison Tomorrow
"I mean no offense but she wasn't good or had a name like that before she went to jail, maybe…"
44 minutes ago
ThaPrototype commented on Aarynn Denise's blog post Remy Ma Set To Be Released From Prison Tomorrow
"Does she have underground music somewhere? I only remember her on 'Lean Back' and her…"
48 minutes ago
Love love!!! replied to RubyWoo's discussion D. Wade and Gabby Work Out Together For Their Wedding
"not a cute pic "
1 hour ago
Badness commented on Aarynn Denise's blog post Remy Ma Set To Be Released From Prison Tomorrow
"Hope she does a song with Nik. The buzz will be good for her. N she'll prob murder her on that…"
1 hour ago
BellaDoña commented on Peachkyss's blog post Ballerific Beauty: Christian Louboutin Rouge Nail Lacquer
"Lol!!! Mckenna I'm dying at your post! LmAo so true though."
2 hours ago
Eleven8 shared Aarynn Denise's blog post on Twitter
2 hours ago
BellaDoña commented on TDPinkFitness's blog post Ballerific Health: Let her Transformation, Help you Get to Yours
"Wow she does look awesome!"
2 hours ago
Nia Cunningham posted a discussion

New York scene same crowd different day? What's new

Hey mama's,I'm not new to BA, but I lost my old profile login and had to create a new one. Anyway…See More
2 hours ago

© 2014   Created by Baller Alert.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

Offline

Live Video