Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Still Pretty V on April 19, 2012 at 3:21am

U have to go where ever ur successful men go in ur city!! N if u talk to guys that's 35+ more the. 2 kids is nit a gang... its pretty normal..
That almost 40 at that age he could of been married had his kids n got divorced by now... I'm just say.. or try looking in a different city... that's what I need to do..lol

Permalink Reply by 2.0 on April 19, 2012 at 9:02am

I was being a little dismissive (and exaggerating) about the 2+ kids/gang thing. Most of the men I've dated have kids; would just be nice to meet men without young kids (under 18) ... where they have more time to move about and be spontaneous...I'll hit a up a nearby city more frequently...where I'm located is the death of anyone's social life. lol

Re-reading my post, it sounds like a rant. lol Guess I'm tired...dating has become an annoying 2nd job...lol

Permalink Reply by DB on April 19, 2012 at 2:45pm

Hmm well there might be a few things you could do differently in an effort to stop attracting mooching ass men.
1. When going out, dress nice but not flashy. A man (anybody) can tell when they think a woman is high maintenance/rolling in money by what she wears most of the time. So if you go to a nice outing or whatever and you have on designer this designer that and they recognize it, the broke ass men looking for a come-up or sugar mama will flock to you, sell you a few dreams but the money making men might look at you and be intimidated because it appears you don't need them (most men with money are extremely egotistical and need to feel needed)
2. Don't hop out of a range rover expecting broke ass men not to flock to you. Men can be groupies too and I have seen plenty of basic looking b****** hop out of a nice car and every man is on them because they smell money/cash cow. The only ones unaffected by a woman in a nice car are men driving a better car and in that case, they will probably be looking at Michelle over in the Honda that they can "upgrade". If possible, drive a standard car when you go out, a Camry, an accord, something that is practical but doesn't scream "I got monaaaayyyyy" *TTfrom set it off voice*
3. If you live in a Really  Nice place in a posh neighborhood, Don't let any man see your place, not even the outside of it in the beginning of your courtship. This sounds weird but trust, a friend of mine lived in a condo in a nice area of Atlanta and she attracted nothing but bums that always wanted to stay over/damn near move in because they figured "nice place, nice neighborhood= some place I don't want to have to leave"They'd game her up, making promises that they'd help her out with expenses etc once their settlement check came in, once they bounced back from a bad business deal, once their business idea took off... Needless to say, she had a lot of "roaches" in her condo over the course of 3 years. Not allowing a man to see your place will scare a mooching man away (he'll assume you're broke) but intrigue a well to do man because he'll think you're embarrassed of your "meager" accommodations... Now if after talking for a while you find he's legit, seeing your place inside and out should cause no issues.
4. Act like you know how to have a good time with the guys. A lot of women mess up by acting "too good" to go to a bar and chat it up with men about things men like such as sports, working out... So next time you go out, go to a bar/sports bar in a nice part of town (solo or with 1 other friend) casually start talking to guys around the bar that are watching whatever game might be playing. Throw in how you love said sport or something really "tomboyish" you used to do when you were younger like play basketball with the boys in the neighborhood or something. All of this will make you less high maintenance and more relatable and approachable to a man who now feels like he wants to "show you things you've never seen" lol
5. Don't buy your own drink. I don't care if you can buy the bar, don't let a man see you buy your own drink because this is one of those "oh she's independent" things that will bring the moocher out of hiding and right next to you, chatting you up, hoping you will show how independent you are and buy his ass a drink (yes, this has happened to a friend of mine). This goes for dinner too. If on a date, bring a small clutch with no designer insignias. When the check comes, keep talking to him/eating or whatever. If he reaches for the check and pays, youve got a gentleman who knows your worth, if his ass looks at you with "puss n boots eyes" or puts his card/money in and then passes it to you implying "Dutch", kindly look at him, smile and say "I thought this was a date but apparently it's not so I'll pay for my half" pay for yours, excuse yourself and exit as fast as you can, deleting his number in the process. 
6. Don't exude desperation. A mooching man or woman are usually experts at smelling desperation. When you go out, have fun and talk to EVERYONE not just the men in the room. That alone will make you approachable to everyone and men of status usually like women that can work a room but still be "classy" because it shows that you can be brought around business partners, family members eventually, and you can liven up his life outside of his usual work schedule. 
7. Make a list of all of the things you'd like in a man, deal breakers, etc and read them out loud/to a close friend to determine whether or not your expectations are unrealistic. Example: "I want a CEO, he has to be Black, no kids, under 60 years old, likes to spontaneously travel" that right there might not seem unrealistic but it is because there aren't that many Black male CEOs to begin with and the ones that exist may very well be married/have kids/be over 60. So be really practical about what you're looking for and what's available THIS DOESN'T MEAN SETTLING! If there is a man that fits most of your criteria but does 2+ things on your deal breaker list, it'd be totally reasonable to discontinue the "courtship"
8. Don't list your demands or your wants when talking to a man. This will potentially scare the man you really want away because those demands might be intimidating or make him believe that later on down the line you will make a nagging and demanding ass wife. Most importantly: This will make it easy for a man to pretend he is all of the things you want when in reality he is not. Let him show you what he is and if he fits your criteria then proceed further, If not, let it go because after a few months of talking, that frog will not magically turn into the prince you were expecting if he didn't have prince like qualities to begin with. 
Phew, think I covered everything lol all of these suggestions come from personal experience or the experiences of friends. 

Permalink Reply by DdoubleD on April 19, 2012 at 3:57pm

Those are some really helpful tips! It is so hard for me to go out and not buy myself  at least my first drink, but I will take your advice and hopefully I'm not thirsity all damn night! Lol

DB said:

Hmm well there might be a few things you could do differently in an effort to stop attracting mooching ass men.
1. When going out, dress nice but not flashy. A man (anybody) can tell when they think a woman is high maintenance/rolling in money by what she wears most of the time. So if you go to a nice outing or whatever and you have on designer this designer that and they recognize it, the broke ass men looking for a come-up or sugar mama will flock to you, sell you a few dreams but the money making men might look at you and be intimidated because it appears you don't need them (most men with money are extremely egotistical and need to feel needed)
2. Don't hop out of a range rover expecting broke ass men not to flock to you. Men can be groupies too and I have seen plenty of basic looking b****** hop out of a nice car and every man is on them because they smell money/cash cow. The only ones unaffected by a woman in a nice car are men driving a better car and in that case, they will probably be looking at Michelle over in the Honda that they can "upgrade". If possible, drive a standard car when you go out, a Camry, an accord, something that is practical but doesn't scream "I got monaaaayyyyy" *TTfrom set it off voice*
3. If you live in a Really  Nice place in a posh neighborhood, Don't let any man see your place, not even the outside of it in the beginning of your courtship. This sounds weird but trust, a friend of mine lived in a condo in a nice area of Atlanta and she attracted nothing but bums that always wanted to stay over/damn near move in because they figured "nice place, nice neighborhood= some place I don't want to have to leave"They'd game her up, making promises that they'd help her out with expenses etc once their settlement check came in, once they bounced back from a bad business deal, once their business idea took off... Needless to say, she had a lot of "roaches" in her condo over the course of 3 years. Not allowing a man to see your place will scare a mooching man away (he'll assume you're broke) but intrigue a well to do man because he'll think you're embarrassed of your "meager" accommodations... Now if after talking for a while you find he's legit, seeing your place inside and out should cause no issues.
4. Act like you know how to have a good time with the guys. A lot of women mess up by acting "too good" to go to a bar and chat it up with men about things men like such as sports, working out... So next time you go out, go to a bar/sports bar in a nice part of town (solo or with 1 other friend) casually start talking to guys around the bar that are watching whatever game might be playing. Throw in how you love said sport or something really "tomboyish" you used to do when you were younger like play basketball with the boys in the neighborhood or something. All of this will make you less high maintenance and more relatable and approachable to a man who now feels like he wants to "show you things you've never seen" lol
5. Don't buy your own drink. I don't care if you can buy the bar, don't let a man see you buy your own drink because this is one of those "oh she's independent" things that will bring the moocher out of hiding and right next to you, chatting you up, hoping you will show how independent you are and buy his ass a drink (yes, this has happened to a friend of mine). This goes for dinner too. If on a date, bring a small clutch with no designer insignias. When the check comes, keep talking to him/eating or whatever. If he reaches for the check and pays, youve got a gentleman who knows your worth, if his ass looks at you with "puss n boots eyes" or puts his card/money in and then passes it to you implying "Dutch", kindly look at him, smile and say "I thought this was a date but apparently it's not so I'll pay for my half" pay for yours, excuse yourself and exit as fast as you can, deleting his number in the process. 
6. Don't exude desperation. A mooching man or woman are usually experts at smelling desperation. When you go out, have fun and talk to EVERYONE not just the men in the room. That alone will make you approachable to everyone and men of status usually like women that can work a room but still be "classy" because it shows that you can be brought around business partners, family members eventually, and you can liven up his life outside of his usual work schedule. 
7. Make a list of all of the things you'd like in a man, deal breakers, etc and read them out loud/to a close friend to determine whether or not your expectations are unrealistic. Example: "I want a CEO, he has to be Black, no kids, under 60 years old, likes to spontaneously travel" that right there might not seem unrealistic but it is because there aren't that many Black male CEOs to begin with and the ones that exist may very well be married/have kids/be over 60. So be really practical about what you're looking for and what's available THIS DOESN'T MEAN SETTLING! If there is a man that fits most of your criteria but does 2+ things on your deal breaker list, it'd be totally reasonable to discontinue the "courtship"
8. Don't list your demands or your wants when talking to a man. This will potentially scare the man you really want away because those demands might be intimidating or make him believe that later on down the line you will make a nagging and demanding ass wife. Most importantly: This will make it easy for a man to pretend he is all of the things you want when in reality he is not. Let him show you what he is and if he fits your criteria then proceed further, If not, let it go because after a few months of talking, that frog will not magically turn into the prince you were expecting if he didn't have prince like qualities to begin with. 
Phew, think I covered everything lol all of these suggestions come from personal experience or the experiences of friends. 

Permalink Reply by 2.0 on April 19, 2012 at 10:53pm

DB

I was reading your response on my mobile and just had to log on and say, "Thank You!" These are great tips and I'm ready to print this ish out and place it on the fridge. lol

I wanted to address each one...

1. This is definitely a problem for me because I love fashion and it has been apart of who I am since I was a kid. Not even on some 'keeping up with jones'' type ish. Several girlfriends have told me that I need to dress down a little more lol and look "less expensive" smh (whatever da hell that means! lol) Although I like designer digs, they don't define me but unfortunately folks put sooooo much into it then perception becomes reality. Whereas I just use fashion as a form of expression. But I get it...will work on this.

2. Oh this won't be a problem because I don't even drive. lol (nor do I have a permit.) Taxis are my mode of trans or I'll hop a train.

3. O M G I didn't think this would be an issue but reading this was like I just got hit with a damn bat. lol I swear fo goodness dudes think my spot is damn resort! smdh always wanting to chill. And although I love being a hostess, that ish is A N N O Y I N G when all a dude wants to do is layout ... Poor thing to your friend; no one should be treated like that. ... So I'll work on this too!

4. lol I like this one and this will be easy because I actually love sports (and played semi-pro) so I just have to work on being more "friendly"...I'm crazy shy about approaching a man first (because I always fumble lmao) or just jumping into a convo...that whole fear of failure... :-/

5. ROTHFLMAO @ "puss n boots eyes" ... And yeah I've had to exist stage left on several dudes. That whole, 'we're on a date but...can you pay half' ish is juvenile....The 'don't let a man see you buy your own drink' - interesting! Definitely going to try this out and will keep my designer logos in the closet!

6. UGGH to speak to everyone. *sucks teeth* lol No I'm not above anyone but women get on my nerves! lol And I'm sure it comes off a bit stand-offish to other women but I never cared. lol Didn't think about how that appeared to men. I will usually get a drink, a cigar and sit down somewhere. lol *sigh* I'll work on this though.

7. YES! I honestly think my standards are practical (I'm a realist); but see the point of this exercise and will follow through. 

8. YES! Love this.

Thanks so much for this, you're a doll. ;-)

Permalink Reply by Tone © on April 20, 2012 at 12:06am

You sound perfect

Permalink Reply by DB on April 20, 2012 at 12:25am

No problem!!! :) the tip about talking to women as well as men is because you don't want scream "I'm only looking for a man". Besides that, most of the time when you go out to a bar or grill and just sit next to a man watching the game and show interest in it, he'll usually spark up convo with you first so don't worry about approaching him and failing lol update us all later and let us know how it goes!

2.0 said:

DB

I was reading your response on my mobile and just had to log on and say, "Thank You!" These are great tips and I'm ready to print this ish out and place it on the fridge. lol

I wanted to address each one...

1. This is definitely a problem for me because I love fashion and it has been apart of who I am since I was a kid. Not even on some 'keeping up with jones'' type ish. Several girlfriends have told me that I need to dress down a little more lol and look "less expensive" smh (whatever da hell that means! lol) Although I like designer digs, they don't define me but unfortunately folks put sooooo much into it then perception becomes reality. Whereas I just use fashion as a form of expression. But I get it...will work on this.

2. Oh this won't be a problem because I don't even drive. lol (nor do I have a permit.) Taxis are my mode of trans or I'll hop a train.

3. O M G I didn't think this would be an issue but reading this was like I just got hit with a damn bat. lol I swear fo goodness dudes think my spot is damn resort! smdh always wanting to chill. And although I love being a hostess, that ish is A N N O Y I N G when all a dude wants to do is layout ... Poor thing to your friend; no one should be treated like that. ... So I'll work on this too!

4. lol I like this one and this will be easy because I actually love sports (and played semi-pro) so I just have to work on being more "friendly"...I'm crazy shy about approaching a man first (because I always fumble lmao) or just jumping into a convo...that whole fear of failure... :-/

5. ROTHFLMAO @ "puss n boots eyes" ... And yeah I've had to exist stage left on several dudes. That whole, 'we're on a date but...can you pay half' ish is juvenile....The 'don't let a man see you buy your own drink' - interesting! Definitely going to try this out and will keep my designer logos in the closet!

6. UGGH to speak to everyone. *sucks teeth* lol No I'm not above anyone but women get on my nerves! lol And I'm sure it comes off a bit stand-offish to other women but I never cared. lol Didn't think about how that appeared to men. I will usually get a drink, a cigar and sit down somewhere. lol *sigh* I'll work on this though.

7. YES! I honestly think my standards are practical (I'm a realist); but see the point of this exercise and will follow through. 

8. YES! Love this.

Thanks so much for this, you're a doll. ;-)

Permalink Reply by 2.0 on April 20, 2012 at 9:00am

???

Tone said:

You sound perfect

Permalink Reply by 2.0 on April 20, 2012 at 9:02am

LOL ... Ok that makes complete sense. Will definitely keep you posted. (trying a few of these tips this weekend. lol)

DB said:

No problem!!! :) the tip about talking to women as well as men is because you don't want scream "I'm only looking for a man". Besides that, most of the time when you go out to a bar or grill and just sit next to a man watching the game and show interest in it, he'll usually spark up convo with you first so don't worry about approaching him and failing lol update us all later and let us know how it goes!

2.0 said:

DB

I was reading your response on my mobile and just had to log on and say, "Thank You!" These are great tips and I'm ready to print this ish out and place it on the fridge. lol

I wanted to address each one...

1. This is definitely a problem for me because I love fashion and it has been apart of who I am since I was a kid. Not even on some 'keeping up with jones'' type ish. Several girlfriends have told me that I need to dress down a little more lol and look "less expensive" smh (whatever da hell that means! lol) Although I like designer digs, they don't define me but unfortunately folks put sooooo much into it then perception becomes reality. Whereas I just use fashion as a form of expression. But I get it...will work on this.

2. Oh this won't be a problem because I don't even drive. lol (nor do I have a permit.) Taxis are my mode of trans or I'll hop a train.

3. O M G I didn't think this would be an issue but reading this was like I just got hit with a damn bat. lol I swear fo goodness dudes think my spot is damn resort! smdh always wanting to chill. And although I love being a hostess, that ish is A N N O Y I N G when all a dude wants to do is layout ... Poor thing to your friend; no one should be treated like that. ... So I'll work on this too!

4. lol I like this one and this will be easy because I actually love sports (and played semi-pro) so I just have to work on being more "friendly"...I'm crazy shy about approaching a man first (because I always fumble lmao) or just jumping into a convo...that whole fear of failure... :-/

5. ROTHFLMAO @ "puss n boots eyes" ... And yeah I've had to exist stage left on several dudes. That whole, 'we're on a date but...can you pay half' ish is juvenile....The 'don't let a man see you buy your own drink' - interesting! Definitely going to try this out and will keep my designer logos in the closet!

6. UGGH to speak to everyone. *sucks teeth* lol No I'm not above anyone but women get on my nerves! lol And I'm sure it comes off a bit stand-offish to other women but I never cared. lol Didn't think about how that appeared to men. I will usually get a drink, a cigar and sit down somewhere. lol *sigh* I'll work on this though.

7. YES! I honestly think my standards are practical (I'm a realist); but see the point of this exercise and will follow through. 

8. YES! Love this.

Thanks so much for this, you're a doll. ;-)

Permalink Reply by Tone © on April 20, 2012 at 12:57pm

I think first you have to look at why you deal with men like this to see how you can fix the problem.  You make good enough money to avoid men that don't have what you want.

2.0 said:

???

Tone said:

You sound perfect

Permalink Reply by Dragon Slayer Puss on April 20, 2012 at 5:31pm

I think DB hit the nail on the head with everything she said. You sound a lot like you are becoming a lot like the woman I am trying not to become. I'm thirty and view myself as on a path to describing myself in ways/ terms that you used for yourself. The thing is, I know I make some frequent mistakes and I picked up those same mistakes in your writing.

Ok, the 'gang of children'statement, while a joke, it was telling of the sarcasm you use daily. I'm sure you be snappin the f off about what a man does not have and how u aint going fa that ish, lol.

Another thing I think you should chill out on is tellin men that you don't want kids. To me it sounds very defensive and honestly, unwomanly. Most men love the nurturing loving and caring side of a woman. Kids is something that undoubtedly brings this out of women. Men want to know that you have that chemistry inside of you, because he gonna want it too. I think you should say some ish like 'I have a few more career/educational goals I wanna meet before I have a child.

Now, the guys that 'used to have it all' and U think lack ambition are those thug look alikes that you fall head over heels for. Lol, if I am wrong, tell me so, but you like a man with a bit of street in him. Lol, it's ok. They have no ambition in your mind because they don't have money. They want it or may have had it, but they can't get it the way most 40 year old men can because they have strikes against them. Records, no job history, no higher education. BUT they sexy as hell and u can entertain them for a lil while cuz u like their company. You even like THEM as people but can't get with the idea of getting serious about a street dude. So u cut him off. I think you should keep them as friends. Have fun with them. Relax with them. Get to know their world. Most of those guys are smart and have a lot of business acumen. BUT u need to be trying to see the same sexy in the professional squares walking around ur building. You need to be lettin them take you out on dates and gettin to know them too. Find things in them and see how those things can complement your life as a way to weigh the future potential of a relationship.

The financial tribulation thing: I KNOW u lead wit ur wallet. When the check comes u pick it up. I mean pick it up and look at it then put it back on the table and when yall get done u pay and give it to the waiter. The men DO have money to court but it written all over you that u are in charge so you are gonna pay. Lol @ men don't have money to court. They might not have gift money but MOST men have dinner money for a woman they trying to date. And'don't 'have' nobody' no more. They see that ish too and u become their sugar mama.

Lastly, get off ur highhorse girl! I think that is what DB was saying. U prob walk into a place and sit in ur lil spot all introverted. Speak to the girls. That is a great suggestion. It will loosen you up and have you appearing calm and cool. You will be morerelaxed to smile at a man and he'll be more comfortable to come and speak to you. With ur friends tellin u to tone it down, I can just tell how u are sooooo extra. Relax a bit and things will come your way. You have to look open to receiving it tho. Sit back, be a lady and let a man be a man.

Permalink Reply by 2.0 on April 20, 2012 at 9:20pm

Tone, Yep already doing that eval. This post is part of that process / self eval.

Ummm Love lol I do NOT kick men's back in on the daily. smh lol Just like anyone who may get frustrated w/ dating and say things to make light - that's all that comment was about. I'm also NOT into telling a man what he doesn't have or any person for that matter. That's not how I do whatsoever but your commentary is funny. LOL

Re: having kids - I respectfully disagree with the notion of not telling them. Is it the first thing out my mouth, no. However, I believe in laying cards out on the table and being honest. Men always ask if you ever want kids and I do give the 'I have other aspirations, career, dreams...' etc response. But I'm not going to lie about the desire to not have. I also disagree that just because one is a mother you're automatically caring and nurturing; just like not being a mother doesn't expunge one of those same characteristic.

Re: street dudes - Ummmm DEAD. Lol I def like a man who is a tad street (not hood) because they definitely don't take my ish LOL (I think most alpha-females like and need that). I also found these men more honest and loyal than your straight-laced type of man, which is certainly the appeal. But like you said I can't 'long-term' these type of men...I'm not about that life. For the squares (lmao), I don't place them in a box or think they're corny just because they're not street - they get more opps than the street dude because the conversations are different; maybe not as exciting but they hold my interest longer. Problem is, most progressive men want kids so that's where our road ends and we become forever friends. :-/

Re: financial tribulations: NO I DON'T LEAD w/ MY WALLET!!! Lol I've never felt the need to try and post-up or make a man feel like I'm in charge. IMO there's no room for that if you want a return date. Lol I don't touch the check unless I'm treating. I always offer to leave the tip because I think it's a classy thing to do. Most men decline and I leave it there. I don't argue about who's gonna pick up the bill. Lmao I let the man be the man when he carries himself as one. And ummm I don't do suga-mama lol that's one mistake I can say I have never made.

Ok, PAUSE doll lol. I'm on no high-horse; that's not even in my personality. Now if that's how it reads then boooo on me because that's not me at all. Yes I'm an introvert but largely in part because I've been so nice and open in the past only to get taken advantage of or that sh*t bit me in the a**. So I lay in the cut and observe...when I see an opening to converse with women, I'll jump in. BUT most of the time broads are giving me the crazy gas-face smh lol (even when im smiling or greet them first) so I just parlay. *shrugs*

PAUSE again. LOL If people feel I'm extra just because I enjoy dressing and looking good (not caked-on make-up or over the top hair), then that's on them. Like I mentioned, I love fashion I don't care if it's attire from the flee market, H&M or some luxury designer - I simply do me - not to impress. Does that make better sense??

Really enjoyed your comment and certainly took it all in. ;-)