Becoming a Stepmonster, I mean StepMOTHER

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Siren on November 13, 2009 at 10:36am

Whew... God Bless you! My stepmom is amazing and she and my Dad are no longer together and I sttill have a relationship. One thing I can say is don't force yourself on them let the relationship develop naturally. Make sure that you and the father speak candidly on the boundaries that will be set in reagrds to discipline etc. Make you that you guys have a united front so that the children don't undermine or manipulate either one of you.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by miss_p on November 13, 2009 at 10:58am

I couldn't stand my stepfather. But here's some background on me: my mother had me in her teens, and my stepfather is only 6 years older than me. So you can imagine the friction there was when he became my stepfather when I was a teenager. I agree with Siren; it's very important you discuss your boundaries with the father and then make sure he backs you up when it comes to his son. You need to establish that early on, but you also have to be sure not to try to replace the boy's mother. He already has one, no matter what she's going through right now, and he knows that.

That's a tough situation. I had the opportunity to rekindle a past relationship with a good man, but by then he had a daughter, and because I was terrified of being an instant mom and stepmother, I decided against it. Thinking now maybe I should have given it a chance. Oh well, good luck.

P.S. Patience is a virtue. :)

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Keytolife on November 13, 2009 at 12:45pm

Girl...it's hard. In my case the kids were accepting of me. It's crazy because my situation is kind of similar, the mother has 2 kids with my fiance and she also has a older pre-teen daughter. She is not the best of mothers and I often say some woman don't deserve the uterus they have but anyway she wanted to leave the kids with us so she could get a her life together however she didn't want to give him custody due to monetary issues/leverage (you know how some women use children as a paycheck?)Anyway good thing the children are still young and they took a liking to me fast. I didn't try to be their mom, but I let them know if you act up I will pop you! My fiance thinks I am the step-mom from hell but im just a little more strict than he his other than this I try to play my part and be there for him and the kids by doing little family things, taking trips etc etc I won't front sometimes I don't want to bothered and I don't want to dedicate my weekend to being in the house or with kids but then I always think the kids would really want me to be there. My biggest fear was accepting them and due to my selfishness-he'd have less time with me, but I've overcome this.

I think the best thing to do is establish a friendship with the kids so they can build trust in you and feel they can come to you for anything. Then things will gradually work themselves out from there. I didn't force the hand and now they love me, scream my name when I come through the door and always ask for me. It's a special feeling, but at the end of the day I always would want my own. I guess it's a natural feeling.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Ashley Banks on November 13, 2009 at 12:57pm

Ladies, thanks for your responses! I've always been told that I'm great with children, but I'm starting to realize the realities, if you will. Dad's never had his son for more than a month at a time, so it'll be a challenge for both of us. They'll be in another state for a few months until he assigned to be somewhere else, so that's adding more stress to dad, wondering if the military lifestyle will be beneficial to us. I've never had a bad stepfather, but I know interactions between women and and someone esle's child can be tricky.

@Keytolife- I'm very selfish too, but also very giving. I also LOVE attention, have gotten better about that, and am praying that I won't feel I'm competing with the kids. THe youngest is confused right now because he doesn't really know my guy. He sees him when he comes to get his big brother and always brings him gifts,but it turns out their mom has a lot "friends" so he's used to that. I just want to wrap them both up and never let them go.

Another fear of mine is that she'll just walk in one day and snatch them from us, or she'll end up dead and that'll be another challenge. I don't know, I'm just praying and talking it out with my family.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Keytolife on November 13, 2009 at 1:12pm

@Ashley Banks, that is so sweet! I understand your fears and it seems like that is the worse that could happen. A lot of females would begin to distance themselves for that very same reason, but you would always have a relationship/bound with them that she can't replace vice versa. But your doing the right thing keep praying, keep the faith, and refrain from thinking or brining negativity into existence.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by RoyaleT on November 13, 2009 at 4:05pm

For me I didn't really like my step mother. She had another daughter and used to favor her and call me and my sis names when my father wasn't around. I was 7 then. When I was 17 my mother married a man with 3 boys and 0 girls so he jumped at the opportunity to try to be strict with "his first teenage daughter" on situations that he really didn't have a say in. My point to you is to just be a responsible understanding adult. Its difficult enough for children to adapt to additional parents and it's harder when they act out in ways their real parents don't. What I would have wished for in a stepparent is someone whom I felt comfortable with, and talking to. Sounds strange but I avoided my stepparents like the plague and they let me. You still have to discipline them but talk with the father about which route you are going to go TOGETHER and enforce it. The same goes with raising them in all other ways because the real steparenting starts with the communication you have with the other parent. In a nut shell don't try to be their super best friend or a ball buster .......somewhere in between will work and make sure you set a good example :-)

▶ Reply to This

▶ Reply to This