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Dating a Friend's EX- Is it ever acceptable?
Good morning Ladies,
I was reading one of my favorite new blogs and came across the story posted below. With the lack of successful black men, is dating a friend's ex ever acceptable? Does the friend's current situation matter in the decision? For example if your friend is married with kids, are her ex's up for grabs without the fear of causing big drama? OR Are the friend's exs marked men? What happens if he is her ex from hs/college and ya'll graduated 10 years ago? How does this work in the friendship rule book? One of my friends asked me for advice on this issue a few weeks back and I couldn't give her an answer. I would be sad if one of my friends dated one of my exs even though I have a man and I am completely happy with him. Is that childish? Thoughts?
I was teenager, and the joys of my life
at the time was dancing, school, work, church, and my BFF (now Ex-BFF).
Life was good and interesting. She was 5 yrs my senior, and we were
“Sisters”, like literally we called each other sister or mi hermana, not
by name. Being members of the same church, we had known each other
since childhood, but developed a friendship years later. We were stuck
like glue, went everywhere and did everything together; so in tuned with
each other that the church folks started talking lesbian lover rumors.
But it was all good, I agree it was a love affair, I was in love with
her and vice versa but not all love is sexual. We shared secrets,
planned our weddings, mapped out careers, promoted our dreams and goals
daily. Nothing could separate us, 1 visit, 4 emails, 6 calls, and 35
texts a day made sure of that.
And then came him her new boyfriend, and then there was the three of us.
I didn’t mind cause he was super cool, and I never felt like a 3rd
wheel, and if I was we were a tricycle, no one was going anywhere
without the other two. We all became so close, and had so much fun when
we were together. And then things started happening. My sister started
to pull away, we hung out less and less, communicated less and less, and
worst of all although we were good friends with everyone at the time,
the other church girls started to infiltrate our bond. He felt it too,
he would contact me asking what’s up with her, neither one of us could
explain why she was acting “brand new” on us. I came over one day and
finally got my answer. There we were, me, her and the other man she was
seeing, 1 out of the 3 she was cheating on him with. All 3 of her
misters, where men she dealt with in the past, therefore I knew them
all. She had me vow not to tell him, which was hard for me because we
all became so close, to the point that his nickname from me was,
brother. I was shocked, because I looked up to her and seen her in an
angelic light, it disappointed me and I was turned off by her
behavior***.
She would make it hard on me, by scheduling dates with him and never
showing up, not speaking to him all day, have mysterious cars waiting
for her after he came over. He would call me saying he knew something
was up and if I know spare him. I wanted to say something so bad but
never did, I was sworn to secrecy. To make a long story short, me and
her stopped talking, it wasn’t a falling out or anything. We drifted
apart between her jobs, love trysts, and new friendships. And then, you
guessed it, they broke up. Him and I still talked, had friendly lunches
and hung out sometimes as FRIENDS. At this point I’m in my freshman year
of college and I’m hashing all this out to my new future soon to be
BFF, a hot super cool chick from the South. In my mind she had already
been replaced. Then, one evening in church at praise dance rehearsal in
front of everyone, she blurted “I’ve heard you’ve been going out a lot
lately, and it’s been with male company, I want to know is it
__________” (Him). I said yes, simply because 1. it was the truth and 2.
I had nothing to hide, we were just friends.
She went off, tried to push me down a flight of stairs in the Lord’s
house, and had the whole church thinking I was a home wrecking whore
because I slept with her boyfriend and they were going to get married
(please). I was hurt, devastated, embarrassed, and furious, after all of
those yrs of friendship she couldn’t approach me like a woman or even
an adult. She had to make herself the victim, cover her deceit, and
tarnish my name. Everyone thinks you’re a thief when you didn’t steal
anything, so why not complete the action and get the reward, you’re
already marked. When the opportunity came yeah I accepted, I already was
talked about, so I gave them something to talk about, him and I started
a relationship that lasted 4 years, my longest to date. She wrote me
off and declared me an enemy who she would never be friends with again.
We go to a family church, she happen to date/mess with 4 guys, 2 of them
are brothers, and the 4 of them are cousins, and 1 of them is an ex of
one of her friends, and not a soul said anything about that. Till this
day they will all play ball and hang out and fellowship, they still love
each other deeply, nothing has changed. Them dating her did not have
any effect on their relationship, and they’re family. So if family can
date the same girl and still be cool, why does it cause a war between
friends? I have plenty of male friends who have dated each other’s
girls, and it’s no issue, “Bro’s over Hoes” business as usual. In fact,
many men pass females around intentionally. So why with us women we
slice each other up? It’s different if it’s a husband or father of your
children type of situation, but boyfriends and flings that come and go
like the wind? Really? When something goes wrong why are we so quick to
jump on the other female and let the male off the hook? Don’t give me
that sisterly bond BS, women gossip and shred each other up on a daily
basis, but when someone shows interest in a man who you aren’t even
dating anymore or maybe never dated, she disrespecting the “Sisterhood”?
It’s even worse if the man is a member of NAS* and you dismiss a friend
who has a longer shelf life*, was it worth it? What do you think?
EDITED: Taken from: http://brightlightsdatecity.wordpress.com/
I was reading one of my favorite new blogs and came across the story posted below. With the lack of successful black men, is dating a friend's ex ever acceptable? Does the friend's current situation matter in the decision? For example if your friend is married with kids, are her ex's up for grabs without the fear of causing big drama? OR Are the friend's exs marked men? What happens if he is her ex from hs/college and ya'll graduated 10 years ago? How does this work in the friendship rule book? One of my friends asked me for advice on this issue a few weeks back and I couldn't give her an answer. I would be sad if one of my friends dated one of my exs even though I have a man and I am completely happy with him. Is that childish? Thoughts?
Why Women Should Never Fight Over Men: Bros Over Hoes=Chicks Over Dicks
I was teenager, and the joys of my life
at the time was dancing, school, work, church, and my BFF (now Ex-BFF).
Life was good and interesting. She was 5 yrs my senior, and we were
“Sisters”, like literally we called each other sister or mi hermana, not
by name. Being members of the same church, we had known each other
since childhood, but developed a friendship years later. We were stuck
like glue, went everywhere and did everything together; so in tuned with
each other that the church folks started talking lesbian lover rumors.
But it was all good, I agree it was a love affair, I was in love with
her and vice versa but not all love is sexual. We shared secrets,
planned our weddings, mapped out careers, promoted our dreams and goals
daily. Nothing could separate us, 1 visit, 4 emails, 6 calls, and 35
texts a day made sure of that.
And then came him her new boyfriend, and then there was the three of us.
I didn’t mind cause he was super cool, and I never felt like a 3rd
wheel, and if I was we were a tricycle, no one was going anywhere
without the other two. We all became so close, and had so much fun when
we were together. And then things started happening. My sister started
to pull away, we hung out less and less, communicated less and less, and
worst of all although we were good friends with everyone at the time,
the other church girls started to infiltrate our bond. He felt it too,
he would contact me asking what’s up with her, neither one of us could
explain why she was acting “brand new” on us. I came over one day and
finally got my answer. There we were, me, her and the other man she was
seeing, 1 out of the 3 she was cheating on him with. All 3 of her
misters, where men she dealt with in the past, therefore I knew them
all. She had me vow not to tell him, which was hard for me because we
all became so close, to the point that his nickname from me was,
brother. I was shocked, because I looked up to her and seen her in an
angelic light, it disappointed me and I was turned off by her
behavior***.
She would make it hard on me, by scheduling dates with him and never
showing up, not speaking to him all day, have mysterious cars waiting
for her after he came over. He would call me saying he knew something
was up and if I know spare him. I wanted to say something so bad but
never did, I was sworn to secrecy. To make a long story short, me and
her stopped talking, it wasn’t a falling out or anything. We drifted
apart between her jobs, love trysts, and new friendships. And then, you
guessed it, they broke up. Him and I still talked, had friendly lunches
and hung out sometimes as FRIENDS. At this point I’m in my freshman year
of college and I’m hashing all this out to my new future soon to be
BFF, a hot super cool chick from the South. In my mind she had already
been replaced. Then, one evening in church at praise dance rehearsal in
front of everyone, she blurted “I’ve heard you’ve been going out a lot
lately, and it’s been with male company, I want to know is it
__________” (Him). I said yes, simply because 1. it was the truth and 2.
I had nothing to hide, we were just friends.
She went off, tried to push me down a flight of stairs in the Lord’s
house, and had the whole church thinking I was a home wrecking whore
because I slept with her boyfriend and they were going to get married
(please). I was hurt, devastated, embarrassed, and furious, after all of
those yrs of friendship she couldn’t approach me like a woman or even
an adult. She had to make herself the victim, cover her deceit, and
tarnish my name. Everyone thinks you’re a thief when you didn’t steal
anything, so why not complete the action and get the reward, you’re
already marked. When the opportunity came yeah I accepted, I already was
talked about, so I gave them something to talk about, him and I started
a relationship that lasted 4 years, my longest to date. She wrote me
off and declared me an enemy who she would never be friends with again.
We go to a family church, she happen to date/mess with 4 guys, 2 of them
are brothers, and the 4 of them are cousins, and 1 of them is an ex of
one of her friends, and not a soul said anything about that. Till this
day they will all play ball and hang out and fellowship, they still love
each other deeply, nothing has changed. Them dating her did not have
any effect on their relationship, and they’re family. So if family can
date the same girl and still be cool, why does it cause a war between
friends? I have plenty of male friends who have dated each other’s
girls, and it’s no issue, “Bro’s over Hoes” business as usual. In fact,
many men pass females around intentionally. So why with us women we
slice each other up? It’s different if it’s a husband or father of your
children type of situation, but boyfriends and flings that come and go
like the wind? Really? When something goes wrong why are we so quick to
jump on the other female and let the male off the hook? Don’t give me
that sisterly bond BS, women gossip and shred each other up on a daily
basis, but when someone shows interest in a man who you aren’t even
dating anymore or maybe never dated, she disrespecting the “Sisterhood”?
It’s even worse if the man is a member of NAS* and you dismiss a friend
who has a longer shelf life*, was it worth it? What do you think?
EDITED: Taken from: http://brightlightsdatecity.wordpress.com/
Tags: childish-behavior, friendship, man-stealing, of, rules
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by JustMe on -
if they had a real relationship, I just couldn't... but thats just me... but if she just had a one-sided crush, they why not...
-
Permalink Reply by Chocolate Jalapeno on -
Can you share the link of the blog?
-
Permalink Reply by JustMe on
-
also, its different for men & women because to a man sex is sex... a lot of chicks think cause a man blows her back out two or three times a week, he wants to marry her... naw, he just likes knocking you down... guys know off gate what they want from a woman: f*** her, date her, or wife her... and their intentions determine if ole girl gets passed around or not... so sometimes when a chick thinks she's getting over on a crew, they are truly getting over on her, and that decision was made almost from day one...
I have known life long guy friends to fight out and fall out over serious girlfriends & fiance's
-
Permalink Reply by Chocolate Jalapeno on
-
Yes it is acceptable because they are not in a relationship anymore however it is
tackya tricky situation that should only be handled by mature adults.
-
Permalink Reply by University of Smitty on -
high school boyfriends only count if the relationship made it beyond HS. For one thing, grown women dont turn their relationships into trios with their man and their girl
unlessthey're just freaks like thatSo I'd say exbff and her HS sweetie were never really a 'couple'
-
Permalink Reply by Penny Lane on -
That's true but I think the problem is that the friend will always think "What if". It is just human nature to think "why is their relationship working, when ours did not?" On one hand, to protect the feelings of all those involved, friends should probably NEVER date, f***, or be friend their homegirl's ex. It can only lead to drama. BUT then what happens if your soul mate happens to be your girl's ex. Do you give up happiness to be loyal?
smittysBBQsauce said:high school boyfriends only count if the relationship made it beyond HS. For one thing, grown women dont turn their relationships into trios with their man and their girlunlessthey're just freaks like thatSo I'd say exbff and her HS sweetie were never really a 'couple'
-
Permalink Reply by Golden Child on -
I'm too loyal to any of my friends if she likes him, he's off the market. If they had sex, he's off the market. Whatever the situation is once my friend announces she likes a guy to me. He's off the market for me in my eyes. Now I know some hoes dont care but me I wouldn't do my friends like that, can't say they wouldn't do me like that. It is what it is.
-
Permalink Reply by Skytz0100 on -
Only time it is acceptable to date an ex of a friends is if :
1. you and the friend no longer talk
2. ya'll are no longer friends
3. ya'll have not seen each other in at least 6 years
Then it depends on the dude. Some dudes do stuff like this for bromance points. They want something to boost themselves to Don Juan status, which usually backfires but sometimes it doesn't.
-
Permalink Reply by MrShady on -
NEVER is it acceptable to date someone that your friend dated...in my opinion its extremely tacky...maybe I have such trong feelings against it because it happened to me...but naw...its not a good look in my opinion!
-
Permalink Reply by Denise on -
HELL NO.......that is all, there is no reason to date a friends EX...NONE
-
Permalink Reply by Tracy on -
I don't want nobody that one of my TRUE friends have had - I can't even see them in that light. HOWEVER, High school romances that didn't make it to college and now we're grown - and you tryin to flex because we were such GOOD friends, but I had no idea you was messin' around......B**** Bye! You better be lucky I don't send you a birth announcement....GTFOH We weren't friends, we were associates and our season passed and his and mine began!
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