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Dating a Friend's EX- Is it ever acceptable?
Good morning Ladies,
I was reading one of my favorite new blogs and came across the story posted below. With the lack of successful black men, is dating a friend's ex ever acceptable? Does the friend's current situation matter in the decision? For example if your friend is married with kids, are her ex's up for grabs without the fear of causing big drama? OR Are the friend's exs marked men? What happens if he is her ex from hs/college and ya'll graduated 10 years ago? How does this work in the friendship rule book? One of my friends asked me for advice on this issue a few weeks back and I couldn't give her an answer. I would be sad if one of my friends dated one of my exs even though I have a man and I am completely happy with him. Is that childish? Thoughts?
I was teenager, and the joys of my life
at the time was dancing, school, work, church, and my BFF (now Ex-BFF).
Life was good and interesting. She was 5 yrs my senior, and we were
“Sisters”, like literally we called each other sister or mi hermana, not
by name. Being members of the same church, we had known each other
since childhood, but developed a friendship years later. We were stuck
like glue, went everywhere and did everything together; so in tuned with
each other that the church folks started talking lesbian lover rumors.
But it was all good, I agree it was a love affair, I was in love with
her and vice versa but not all love is sexual. We shared secrets,
planned our weddings, mapped out careers, promoted our dreams and goals
daily. Nothing could separate us, 1 visit, 4 emails, 6 calls, and 35
texts a day made sure of that.
And then came him her new boyfriend, and then there was the three of us.
I didn’t mind cause he was super cool, and I never felt like a 3rd
wheel, and if I was we were a tricycle, no one was going anywhere
without the other two. We all became so close, and had so much fun when
we were together. And then things started happening. My sister started
to pull away, we hung out less and less, communicated less and less, and
worst of all although we were good friends with everyone at the time,
the other church girls started to infiltrate our bond. He felt it too,
he would contact me asking what’s up with her, neither one of us could
explain why she was acting “brand new” on us. I came over one day and
finally got my answer. There we were, me, her and the other man she was
seeing, 1 out of the 3 she was cheating on him with. All 3 of her
misters, where men she dealt with in the past, therefore I knew them
all. She had me vow not to tell him, which was hard for me because we
all became so close, to the point that his nickname from me was,
brother. I was shocked, because I looked up to her and seen her in an
angelic light, it disappointed me and I was turned off by her
behavior***.
She would make it hard on me, by scheduling dates with him and never
showing up, not speaking to him all day, have mysterious cars waiting
for her after he came over. He would call me saying he knew something
was up and if I know spare him. I wanted to say something so bad but
never did, I was sworn to secrecy. To make a long story short, me and
her stopped talking, it wasn’t a falling out or anything. We drifted
apart between her jobs, love trysts, and new friendships. And then, you
guessed it, they broke up. Him and I still talked, had friendly lunches
and hung out sometimes as FRIENDS. At this point I’m in my freshman year
of college and I’m hashing all this out to my new future soon to be
BFF, a hot super cool chick from the South. In my mind she had already
been replaced. Then, one evening in church at praise dance rehearsal in
front of everyone, she blurted “I’ve heard you’ve been going out a lot
lately, and it’s been with male company, I want to know is it
__________” (Him). I said yes, simply because 1. it was the truth and 2.
I had nothing to hide, we were just friends.
She went off, tried to push me down a flight of stairs in the Lord’s
house, and had the whole church thinking I was a home wrecking whore
because I slept with her boyfriend and they were going to get married
(please). I was hurt, devastated, embarrassed, and furious, after all of
those yrs of friendship she couldn’t approach me like a woman or even
an adult. She had to make herself the victim, cover her deceit, and
tarnish my name. Everyone thinks you’re a thief when you didn’t steal
anything, so why not complete the action and get the reward, you’re
already marked. When the opportunity came yeah I accepted, I already was
talked about, so I gave them something to talk about, him and I started
a relationship that lasted 4 years, my longest to date. She wrote me
off and declared me an enemy who she would never be friends with again.
We go to a family church, she happen to date/mess with 4 guys, 2 of them
are brothers, and the 4 of them are cousins, and 1 of them is an ex of
one of her friends, and not a soul said anything about that. Till this
day they will all play ball and hang out and fellowship, they still love
each other deeply, nothing has changed. Them dating her did not have
any effect on their relationship, and they’re family. So if family can
date the same girl and still be cool, why does it cause a war between
friends? I have plenty of male friends who have dated each other’s
girls, and it’s no issue, “Bro’s over Hoes” business as usual. In fact,
many men pass females around intentionally. So why with us women we
slice each other up? It’s different if it’s a husband or father of your
children type of situation, but boyfriends and flings that come and go
like the wind? Really? When something goes wrong why are we so quick to
jump on the other female and let the male off the hook? Don’t give me
that sisterly bond BS, women gossip and shred each other up on a daily
basis, but when someone shows interest in a man who you aren’t even
dating anymore or maybe never dated, she disrespecting the “Sisterhood”?
It’s even worse if the man is a member of NAS* and you dismiss a friend
who has a longer shelf life*, was it worth it? What do you think?
EDITED: Taken from: http://brightlightsdatecity.wordpress.com/
I was reading one of my favorite new blogs and came across the story posted below. With the lack of successful black men, is dating a friend's ex ever acceptable? Does the friend's current situation matter in the decision? For example if your friend is married with kids, are her ex's up for grabs without the fear of causing big drama? OR Are the friend's exs marked men? What happens if he is her ex from hs/college and ya'll graduated 10 years ago? How does this work in the friendship rule book? One of my friends asked me for advice on this issue a few weeks back and I couldn't give her an answer. I would be sad if one of my friends dated one of my exs even though I have a man and I am completely happy with him. Is that childish? Thoughts?
Why Women Should Never Fight Over Men: Bros Over Hoes=Chicks Over Dicks
I was teenager, and the joys of my life
at the time was dancing, school, work, church, and my BFF (now Ex-BFF).
Life was good and interesting. She was 5 yrs my senior, and we were
“Sisters”, like literally we called each other sister or mi hermana, not
by name. Being members of the same church, we had known each other
since childhood, but developed a friendship years later. We were stuck
like glue, went everywhere and did everything together; so in tuned with
each other that the church folks started talking lesbian lover rumors.
But it was all good, I agree it was a love affair, I was in love with
her and vice versa but not all love is sexual. We shared secrets,
planned our weddings, mapped out careers, promoted our dreams and goals
daily. Nothing could separate us, 1 visit, 4 emails, 6 calls, and 35
texts a day made sure of that.
And then came him her new boyfriend, and then there was the three of us.
I didn’t mind cause he was super cool, and I never felt like a 3rd
wheel, and if I was we were a tricycle, no one was going anywhere
without the other two. We all became so close, and had so much fun when
we were together. And then things started happening. My sister started
to pull away, we hung out less and less, communicated less and less, and
worst of all although we were good friends with everyone at the time,
the other church girls started to infiltrate our bond. He felt it too,
he would contact me asking what’s up with her, neither one of us could
explain why she was acting “brand new” on us. I came over one day and
finally got my answer. There we were, me, her and the other man she was
seeing, 1 out of the 3 she was cheating on him with. All 3 of her
misters, where men she dealt with in the past, therefore I knew them
all. She had me vow not to tell him, which was hard for me because we
all became so close, to the point that his nickname from me was,
brother. I was shocked, because I looked up to her and seen her in an
angelic light, it disappointed me and I was turned off by her
behavior***.
She would make it hard on me, by scheduling dates with him and never
showing up, not speaking to him all day, have mysterious cars waiting
for her after he came over. He would call me saying he knew something
was up and if I know spare him. I wanted to say something so bad but
never did, I was sworn to secrecy. To make a long story short, me and
her stopped talking, it wasn’t a falling out or anything. We drifted
apart between her jobs, love trysts, and new friendships. And then, you
guessed it, they broke up. Him and I still talked, had friendly lunches
and hung out sometimes as FRIENDS. At this point I’m in my freshman year
of college and I’m hashing all this out to my new future soon to be
BFF, a hot super cool chick from the South. In my mind she had already
been replaced. Then, one evening in church at praise dance rehearsal in
front of everyone, she blurted “I’ve heard you’ve been going out a lot
lately, and it’s been with male company, I want to know is it
__________” (Him). I said yes, simply because 1. it was the truth and 2.
I had nothing to hide, we were just friends.
She went off, tried to push me down a flight of stairs in the Lord’s
house, and had the whole church thinking I was a home wrecking whore
because I slept with her boyfriend and they were going to get married
(please). I was hurt, devastated, embarrassed, and furious, after all of
those yrs of friendship she couldn’t approach me like a woman or even
an adult. She had to make herself the victim, cover her deceit, and
tarnish my name. Everyone thinks you’re a thief when you didn’t steal
anything, so why not complete the action and get the reward, you’re
already marked. When the opportunity came yeah I accepted, I already was
talked about, so I gave them something to talk about, him and I started
a relationship that lasted 4 years, my longest to date. She wrote me
off and declared me an enemy who she would never be friends with again.
We go to a family church, she happen to date/mess with 4 guys, 2 of them
are brothers, and the 4 of them are cousins, and 1 of them is an ex of
one of her friends, and not a soul said anything about that. Till this
day they will all play ball and hang out and fellowship, they still love
each other deeply, nothing has changed. Them dating her did not have
any effect on their relationship, and they’re family. So if family can
date the same girl and still be cool, why does it cause a war between
friends? I have plenty of male friends who have dated each other’s
girls, and it’s no issue, “Bro’s over Hoes” business as usual. In fact,
many men pass females around intentionally. So why with us women we
slice each other up? It’s different if it’s a husband or father of your
children type of situation, but boyfriends and flings that come and go
like the wind? Really? When something goes wrong why are we so quick to
jump on the other female and let the male off the hook? Don’t give me
that sisterly bond BS, women gossip and shred each other up on a daily
basis, but when someone shows interest in a man who you aren’t even
dating anymore or maybe never dated, she disrespecting the “Sisterhood”?
It’s even worse if the man is a member of NAS* and you dismiss a friend
who has a longer shelf life*, was it worth it? What do you think?
EDITED: Taken from: http://brightlightsdatecity.wordpress.com/
Tags: childish-behavior, friendship, man-stealing, of, rules
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by 6footer on -
I agree. With me, the chik doesn't even have to be a close friend. If I have had a conversation with you and I know that you and this guy are together at the time, he's is forever off limits. You never know what kind of feeling are involved between people. You do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of the situation.
Golden Child said:I'm too loyal to any of my friends if she likes him, he's off the market. If they had sex, he's off the market. Whatever the situation is once my friend announces she likes a guy to me. He's off the market for me in my eyes. Now I know some hoes dont care but me I wouldn't do my friends like that, can't say they wouldn't do me like that. It is what it is.
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Permalink Reply by RoyaleT on -
I think that depends on the current relationship with the friend and how they feel about it and how you feel about their feelings on it. Everyone and every situation if different. If I can consider being intimate with the guy and the thought of him having sex with my friend (in the past) does not bother me then I'm gonna go for it (maybe...lol). I think if you have a friend that you would not like to date a certain ex I think you should voice that not saying your wishes will be honored but speak up. And for some exes if my friends think they can do better than me.....have at it. You'll see soon enough why it didn't work for us and hopefully we can compare notes when its over lol. I'm to grown to run around as if I have dibs on every d*** I've ever touched but their are certain friends and exes I would be bothered to see together. But that depends greatly on who they were in my life at the time of that friendship/relationship.
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Permalink Reply by Butter_Cup on -
But what if he isnt, then what? A woman like that cant be trusted ever in my book. But in the end Karma will be her big issue because it's coming. To me any woman that does that has self esteem issues. I would have checked that dude from the door..Period!! Soul Mate...Get real that's a term sluts use to sleep with there homegirls ex. I think the b**** is just played. Here's the real question what does he really think of her?
Penny Lane said:That's true but I think the problem is that the friend will always think "What if". It is just human nature to think "why is their relationship working, when ours did not?" On one hand, to protect the feelings of all those involved, friends should probably NEVER date, f***, or be friend their homegirl's ex. It can only lead to drama. BUT then what happens if your soul mate happens to be your girl's ex. Do you give up happiness to be loyal?
smittysBBQsauce said:high school boyfriends only count if the relationship made it beyond HS. For one thing, grown women dont turn their relationships into trios with their man and their girlunlessthey're just freaks like thatSo I'd say exbff and her HS sweetie were never really a 'couple'
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Permalink Reply by Butter_Cup on
-
He'll Treat You, How He Meets You ;o) So is the friend wrong if she starts back sleeping with him? I mean get real..This sounds like hoe s*** to me. I cant STAND woman like that. Yuck!!
-
Permalink Reply by OLD $PICE PINE NEEDLE on -
Not my cup of tea. If we're still good friends it would be uncomfortable. Besides, I would already have the dirt on him and it may or may not work in my favor.
-
Permalink Reply by Honeycoated on
-
this is a good point..
Now, if i hadnt really met dude, she would just always refer to her man by name and i never really met him and then they break up and then I meet "Tony" and it happens to be my friends "Tony" that she would always talk about it would be awkward but by that time, if we have gotten close and damn near onthe road to engagement or marriage then....IDK
Penny Lane said:That's true but I think the problem is that the friend will always think "What if". It is just human nature to think "why is their relationship working, when ours did not?" On one hand, to protect the feelings of all those involved, friends should probably NEVER date, f***, or be friend their homegirl's ex. It can only lead to drama. BUT then what happens if your soul mate happens to be your girl's ex. Do you give up happiness to be loyal?
smittysBBQsauce said:high school boyfriends only count if the relationship made it beyond HS. For one thing, grown women dont turn their relationships into trios with their man and their girlunlessthey're just freaks like thatSo I'd say exbff and her HS sweetie were never really a 'couple'
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Permalink Reply by temptin_destiny on -
Hi all, I'm new to the blog, but I wanted to post on this topic because its a discussion that my best friend and I had multiple times.
It depends on the type of friendship you have and the type of relationship they have. I acknowledge my friends and I have a different view on a lot of things but our deal is:
1) if you have feelings and in "real" relationship with the guy then he's off limits.
2) if you just having sex with a guy and hanging out then he's fair game. We just be honest and upfront about it.
But that's just us.
-
Permalink Reply by JustMe on -
I draw the line at relationships & sex... crushes are fair game...
temptin_destiny said:Hi all, I'm new to the blog, but I wanted to post on this topic because its a discussion that my best friend and I had multiple times.
It depends on the type of friendship you have and the type of relationship they have. I acknowledge my friends and I have a different view on a lot of things but our deal is:
1) if you have feelings and in "real" relationship with the guy then he's off limits.
2) if you just having sex with a guy and hanging out then he's fair game. We just be honest and upfront about it.
But that's just us.
-
Permalink Reply by MS. UCAN NEVA GET ENUFF!! on -
It depends on the situation. I only have 1 real friend, a few associates. My god-sons mother's, other baby-daddy tried to holla @ me once - weird, but i wouldnt have done it because we were really close in high school and he has a child by her. I would talk to a friends ex - if they werent in a real relationship, and if it happened some time ago. If they messed around b 4 and it was 5-6 years ago, then maybe. if the relationship was serious, i wouldnt do it. So what if they had a "serious" relationship in high school, which was 10 years ago, should he still be off limits? My friend and her serious high school bd dated until a few years back, and they were VERY serious so no in that case. If this was a high school friend and we no longer talked, and their relationship wasnt where i was involved in it, like we were always going lplaces together or just me in the middle og their relationship, its fair game.
One chick on here saiD she hooked up her bff with her ex. If too ppl are mature enough to undersatand this then no prob. I think i would ask first just to be int he safe side.
-
Permalink Reply by Miss Double Kiss on -
this sort of thing is never a good idea. somebody is bound to get hurt and a friendship/relationship is going to get damaged regardless of the male to female ratio. It sounds more like acts of desperation and selfishness.
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Permalink Reply by SexyBlack305 on -
THE CREW I ROLL WITH IS LIKE THE MOB, WE CAN TRUELY SAY THAT "OUR WORD IS OUR BOND"! THE CIRCLE I HANG WITH IS VERY, VERY TIGHT & WE DON'T TAKE IN 2 MANY OUTSIDERS, BY THE WAY NONE OF US WILL EVER CROSS THAT PATH, BESIDES A FEW. TRUST ME I KNOW BECUZ WE'VE HAD 2 CUT ALOT OF D*** HAGGLERS & MEN STEALERS OUT OF OUR CIRCLE FOR TRYING SOME F**KED UP S**T LIKE THAT ON THE SLY & GOT CAUGHT UP! LIKE MY CREW ALWAYS SAY, IT'S TO MANY MEN WALKING AROUND 4 US TO PICK & CHOOSE FROM, SO WHAT THE HELL WE NEED WITH ONE OF OUR HOMEGIRL'S LEFTOVERS? SORRY BOO-BOO WE NEVER SMASH THE HOMIES ( IN MY RAY-J VOICE)!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TRUE FRIENDS, WE'VE BEEN ROLLIN WITH EACH OTHER SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, OUR BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER........I FEEL LIKE AS SOON AS U GET THE THOUGHT & CROSS THAT LINE YOUR ASS WAS NEVER MY FRIEND FROM THE GET GO!
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