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HOW LONG DO I WAIT FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP TO PROGRESS (NEED ADVICE PLEEZE!)
Hey ladies of BA,
I've been getting pretty bad advice from my friends about this, and I thought, "where is there a forum of educated and successful ladies, like myself, that can give me more than one good opinion" So here I am on BA...Here goes....
My highschool sweetheart moved away after college about nine years ago. We kept in touch a little over that time, meaning, when he came home, we'd catch up and hang out and I'd visit him about once a year when I'd visit my sister who lives near him. Lately (the last year or so) we've been communicating much more. We converse daily via email and text and we talk on the phone about three times a week, sometimes for hours. He's very attractive, very intelligent, funny and even romantic...when we get to hang out. Problem is... he's playing the "as soon as" and "maybe" game with me. And its been this way for years...At first it was "as soon as I finish law school, I'll be ready to settle down". then it was "maybe we can try to commit to a long distance thing". then, " when I start my firm" Now it's "I want to be financially successful" even though he works for a big firm owns a condo and 2 rentals and is over 30.
I am in no rush to settle down today and by no means, trying to rush him into anything, but I really care about him a lot and would like to see some kind of minor commitment to a future with me that he expressed to me, he was looking forward to. Even though I have not been alone for the past years, I must admit, I've been kind of waiting for him to decide what his future holds for me, before I settle for someone else. On top of that, I live in a place where there's not much to choose from, so there's no handsome men who have their shyt together, knocking down my door.
I am getting tired of being single and there's only so much club-hoppin' you can do when all your friends are married with kids. We're really not progressing to a relationship and I know the long distance is a big part of it. Question is should I make a huge gesture and move closer, so we can see where this will go? (I have plenty of flexiblity with my job) OR should I just move on? I'm not a young gal, and I would like to settle down in the near future. Am I wasting my time with hopes of what "might be"? I date guys to keep my options open, but none of them quite measure up to him or the chemistry we share. What should I do????
I've been getting pretty bad advice from my friends about this, and I thought, "where is there a forum of educated and successful ladies, like myself, that can give me more than one good opinion" So here I am on BA...Here goes....
My highschool sweetheart moved away after college about nine years ago. We kept in touch a little over that time, meaning, when he came home, we'd catch up and hang out and I'd visit him about once a year when I'd visit my sister who lives near him. Lately (the last year or so) we've been communicating much more. We converse daily via email and text and we talk on the phone about three times a week, sometimes for hours. He's very attractive, very intelligent, funny and even romantic...when we get to hang out. Problem is... he's playing the "as soon as" and "maybe" game with me. And its been this way for years...At first it was "as soon as I finish law school, I'll be ready to settle down". then it was "maybe we can try to commit to a long distance thing". then, " when I start my firm" Now it's "I want to be financially successful" even though he works for a big firm owns a condo and 2 rentals and is over 30.
I am in no rush to settle down today and by no means, trying to rush him into anything, but I really care about him a lot and would like to see some kind of minor commitment to a future with me that he expressed to me, he was looking forward to. Even though I have not been alone for the past years, I must admit, I've been kind of waiting for him to decide what his future holds for me, before I settle for someone else. On top of that, I live in a place where there's not much to choose from, so there's no handsome men who have their shyt together, knocking down my door.
I am getting tired of being single and there's only so much club-hoppin' you can do when all your friends are married with kids. We're really not progressing to a relationship and I know the long distance is a big part of it. Question is should I make a huge gesture and move closer, so we can see where this will go? (I have plenty of flexiblity with my job) OR should I just move on? I'm not a young gal, and I would like to settle down in the near future. Am I wasting my time with hopes of what "might be"? I date guys to keep my options open, but none of them quite measure up to him or the chemistry we share. What should I do????
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Miss Double Kiss on -
Okay...so it really sounds like you need to play "eenie meenie meine mo" with your love status and just really stick to it.
If you say you aren't in a rush, then enjoy the single life....but if you want to work on something more serious (with this guy) there is no way to beat around the bush about it. Just say it and if he continues to blow you off, at least you know you had a good male friend (who will hopefully be there to support you when you do meet, fall in love with and MARRY the man you're suppose to be with)....waaay down the line...'cause there's no rush right?
you can't pick and choose.....and that's not to say settle either, but you really just need to decide if you REALLY want to be single (and that means sticking it out with the dating scence) or get comfortable with the wifey idea....(AND WHO SAID IT REALLY HAS TO BE WITH HIM....)
He really does sound like he's giving you the run around however, and I don't know if accomodating your life and career for his iffy-ness would be worth all the headaches and drama in the end....because when a guy KNOWS....he knows and he'll ride with it until HE can't any more...
Present to him your concerns, stay quiet and watch/wait for his feedback and behavior. If he's down to move forward with you, you won't have to do a lot to get him to see how fabulous a life "could be" together! If he doesn't want to roll and keeps giving you pie-in-the-sky timelines, keep it moving
Off-topic: You write beautifully!
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Permalink Reply by SACK CHASER on -
He's just not that into u... move on Hun!
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Permalink Reply by JustMe on -
you're enjoying the single life & so is he... don't rush him or you will live to regret it later... you could be missing out on the love of your life waiting around for him... DO YOU...
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Permalink Reply by Velvet_Glove on -
Girl live and date and love like you never knew him. Don't base how you live off a man that can't even be man enough to say he doesn't want you. Rather if he's wants you in the future or not...he def doesn't want you right now and you are just his saftey net. I'll tell you one thing, if he finds a woman that knocks him off his feet, he'll be trying to marry her. Then where will your feelings be left. I understand you haven't met anyone worth your while but whose to say he is. I just believe that if a man wants you, HE GETS YOU! If you're dropping hints and asking when and he always has an excuse...you don't want to be his last choice bc he can't find anything out there. You should really think more of yourself and love yourself enough not to keep putting his feelings before yours. Now you could def move to his state, it could be a plus in a lot of ways. 1. You two may become closer 2. You could find out who and what he really is or 3. You could find a hot new man or men :) in the new place Whatever you decide I hope it's for the best of you and no one else....Good luck honey!
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Permalink Reply by Miss Double Kiss on
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yes indeed....I wouldn't be surprised if his delay to bring up more long term things with you "officially" is because he already has someone else in mind (you know sometimes a woman can fall into that life preserver/last option/back pocket choice and not even realize it)...don't allow him to do this to you because you'll get your feelings hurt.....if he's meant for you, you won't have to work so hard at it for him to see (and feel) this as well
Velvet_Glove said:Girl live and date and love like you never knew him. Don't base how you live off a man that can't even be man enough to say he doesn't want you. Rather if he's wants you in the future or not...he def doesn't want you right now and you are just his saftey net. I'll tell you one thing, if he finds a woman that knocks him off his feet, he'll be trying to marry her. Then where will your feelings be left. I understand you haven't met anyone worth your while but whose to say he is. I just believe that if a man wants you, HE GETS YOU! If you're dropping hints and asking when and he always has an excuse...you don't want to be his last choice bc he can't find anything out there. You should really think more of yourself and love yourself enough not to keep putting his feelings before yours. Now you could def move to his state, it could be a plus in a lot of ways. 1. You two may become closer 2. You could find out who and what he really is or 3. You could find a hot new man or men :) in the new place Whatever you decide I hope it's for the best of you and no one else....Good luck honey!
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Permalink Reply by C.R.E.A.M. on -
One of my closest friends was in a similar situation with the guy stringing her along for years. She had given him an ultimatum a couple of times but always ended up going back to him. My advice to her was to cut him off because I felt that he was just using her until he found someone better. Sure enough after telling my friend for years that he was not ready for a relationship he just recently got into one with a new chick who has not been in the picture for very long. Spare yourself the heart ache he is either dating other women or looking for something he does not see in you.
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Permalink Reply by MS. UCAN NEVA GET ENUFF!! on -
First question I would like to know - what bad advice is your friends giving you? Is it truly bad advice or the truth that you dont want to face? If he wanted to be with you, he would and he would have already discussed you moving to where he was. Its been times when ive been friends with a guy, and they bring up moving closer so if the conversation hasnt even steered in that direction- hes just not that into you. You may be holding on to something in the passed and he doesnt want to hurt your feelings by telling you, u cool and all but i dont see us being in a long term relationship and what we had is old. Are you the one always bringing up the together issue? And u say years this has been going on- just move on. u can move to where he is to see if you do get closer, but I would do it to open my options of finding other available men and Im almost sure you'll see that he already has someone.
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Permalink Reply by Dangerous on -
Well first things first. Thank you ladies for telling me exactly what I was thinking myself. My friends kept telling me to do whatever it takes to get him, cause he's a good catch, but I figured it was about time to move on. I was starting to feel like a pathetic mess, feeling like I was running after him. All of my friends were and are hell-bent on getting married and doing whatever it takes and they always tell me I don't put enough effort into getting them and keeping them. They say I always want men to run after me and thats not how it works nowadays with men out-numbering women like they do. But I needed to make sure I wasn't crazy by thinking I was being given the run-around! I'll just make him an option if he ever decides to make me a priority! Thanks for the advice ladies!
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Permalink Reply by brownbombshell on -
I agree with all the above comments regarding you getting the run around. Wow, your friends sound like they settled for men and expect you to do the same.
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Permalink Reply by Candy on -
You shoudn't move untill you sit down with your ex and find out how he really feels about you. Tell him that you love him and want to be in a more serious relationship. If he is with it move. If he just wants to continue to date "have sex with no commitment" then you should probably end it and make room for someone who wants the same outta life. Sounds like you pretty much know were and what you want at this stage in your life so you just have to talk to your ex and see if he wants the same with you.
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