Ok. I've been a lurker.  Friends in my head ala Wendy Williams.  My
situation is a mess.   I apologize for the length of this, but I am going
to provide a lot of background for completeness (lol).  Please go easy on
me lol.

So prob around 2001 my "good/best" friend at the time was dating this dude,
she met at a club in the bay area. At that time he had just graduated from
Cal (Berkley) and working at a regional investment bank in SF.  My homegirl
and I were in community college, didn't really understand anything we were
bout 21/22 and he was  24/25.  Needless to say they ended up dating for
about 5+yrs.  Thru out the entire time they were dating, she kept on saying
how good a dude he was and how much he loved, respected and encouraged her.
While he made decent money maybe about $90k with bonuses back then, so he
definitely treated her to nice things etc.  Before she met him meanwhile
she didn't have a passport.  However, all thru the relationship she'd be
out in the club meeting dudes & slaying (she was ho basically) who were not
doing nothing with their lives outside of just hanging on the block.  This
is part of the reason she and I fell out (at first, I thought she was going
thru a phase, but it was guy after guy, after guy), because I tried to tell
her that if u say u have a good dude why mess it up with these oakland
dudes that aint bout a dang thing, I even said here I am tryna meet a half
way decent dude & u r treating one like s***.  Long story short she and I
stopped being friends cos she said I was judgmental & jealous this was
around 2004.  In 2005, I hear thru the grapevine she is preggers, and I
figured it was by this her dude, come to find out it was by someone else &
all the while she had been ducking her "first" man.  He finds out and they
break up she becomes some dudes 4th baby mama.  And this dude she has the
baby for don't even give a rats ass about her & her kid.  She basically
fell for the 'ole okie doke "hood rich" with the nice car & 3 baby mamas
and the car of course to pick up birds like my ex-friend.  Same hood-rat
story as everyone else.

Fast forward to summer 2011 - I run into my ex-friend's ex-dude who she
played at the airport in SF, turned out we were going to the same city for
work SF-Denver-Cleveland.  We end up exchanging numbers and he bumps me up
to 1st class using his miles, so we could "catch-up" on the flights to
cleveland.  Come to find out now he works for a company (private equity)
and he is "major" there.  Apparently, when he was in college at Cal, most
of his family was on the East Coast, and his dad was a VERY big deal at a
Global Bank (he was very humble).  I did some research about his dad
recently, and when he retired from the (his dad I'm talking about now) Bank
he left with a "NINE-FIGURE" over $100MM package and this is right on the
internet.  His dad went to harvard law school and clerked for a US Supreme
Court Justice.  I am learning about mainstream America.  Sorry, but I am
just "CiCi" from Oakland.  All this is new to me, & I am impressed.  I have
also done the "PJ" (private jet - Vista Jet) with him & his family to
Hawaii for the week of xmas & new year.  They have a beautiful home there.

Now dude is mixed (his mum is white), and even though I don't date
lite-skin bruthas (or bruthas who date non-black women), I see myself
liking him as we have been hanging out as "friends" (no sex) since last
summer.  Would it be wrong of me to pursue him?? In my world he is a
"baller" based on his own income alone he is official (7-figure range - he
is a partner at private equity place he works), but he downplays it (he is
very humble), he says all the time he isn't rich.

He took me to an Obama fund raiser at a private home in the Palo Alto area
late last year and it was $7,500/head, the CEO of his firm introduced him
as being the son of such and such to Obama, and Mr. President looked at his
dad and said "you taught him well".  He, I and his folks sat at the same
table.  The only weird thing was his mum (who is white) said, I'd like for
my sons to marry black women...she has 4 sons.  2 unmarried & 2 daughters
married to white men, both married boys, married sistas (they are stank,
they believe they are white, they are also mixed, esp when his mum calls
them black women.  but that's for a different day).

I am soooooo confused, I don't even know if he likes me, or if I like him
only cos of all the perks BUT I already kicked the dude who I used to mess
with to the curb (I knew I wasn't gonna marry his cheap ass). I haven't
asked him for any sorta financial anything, but I rec'd a wonderful xmas
gift, so I treated him to a nice home cooked meal after we got back from
Hawaii + an expensive tie, which he really appreciated.  Do I even try to
pursue anything, will it be messy, considering I'm not friends with his ex
anymore and its been like 7 yrs since they broke up.  He is so sweet, easy
and honest, but its easy to be those things when u are just friends.  I
also know he still talks to his ex (my old friend every now & again).  He
also confirmed that they (he & his ex) have been intimate at least a few
times a year the past 3 yrs.  She is hoping they get back together, he
won't admit it that she now wants him back, but I am hearing things in the
hood.  I also hear he is not tryna go there with her but he'll slay her.

I need major help.  If its ok, do I just turn the sexy up or try to seduce
him?? How do I go about it?

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like bbcheeks said, it would bother me that he still has sex with my friend. She may be his guilty pleasure. And that he introduces you as "so and so's friend" or "my friend"

i usually  would ...  read and not respond ... but hey.. we are all here to share our stories and help each other land that baller..... its very odd but i have friend that is going through a similar situation and believe me ... its turned ugly.... i am a firm believer that a man always shows signs of interest ... hint thats why he hasn't given up on keeping some contact with your ex friend ...A baller type dude usually goes for what he wants even if he is not out in the open about it ... he will give you signs that he is interested in you... more than just a friendship .. i think he still has feelings for your ex friend ... after all she has turned into a certified hoodrat ... and he still in her alley or some where up her street .... he sounds like a great catch ... and you sound like you got what it takes to keep a baller ... but lets face it ... baller or no baller a man has to show some interest in you ... think back to times u hung out ... was there odd flirting ...did he look at u with lust ... if not ... this may not be your baller ... if so .. jump on him girl !!! but if not ... leave it alone and dont take the risk of getting rejected ... After all you sound like you are in a great circle being friends with him ... and him exposing you to new places and things will only put u in a circle to meet other ballers ... you want him to respect you ...not feel you are anything like his ex  ... i say .. judge wisely.

I agree.  But if I was going to do it, you've certainly come up with the perfect way for me to do it...lol.  I get the feeling you kind of wanted him all the time and that's why you ditched your girl.  Your explanation for ending the friendship had nothing to do with you and her and everything to do with her and him.  The fact that he's still screwing her is a major turnoff  
 
Collete said:

@ Maya, yeah kinda...its an unwritten rul you don't mess with someone ur "friend" messed with...so now that are not friends, is it any different?  I am not so sure it is.  

 

@ Skytz lol..."slay" is the same thing as f***, but just how we say it where we grew up...basically just jumping every d*** in the hood.....I believe NY people say it too...

 

@ Just Me...I have tried...for example when I bought him the tie for xmas it cost me $200 he said that it was nice, and he wore it to the office the first work day of the new year, but told me not to go out an buy anymore ferragamo ties because everyone knows that not what ferragamo is known for, but he appreciates me trying.....I have also taken him out to dinner and he said to me he doesn't expect me to take him to the same exact type of places he takes me because in his words "I am not oblivious to the differences in our economics" ..... that actually hurt, but he said to me even if what I had in mind/could afford comfortably was a burger place (as long as I was paying that was compliment enought) he will be grateful & thats the way he approaches things with people close to him...and a lot of women don't understand that about men.  maybe the fact that he is super humble with money is what attracts me even more....I have also been out with them where they called out one of their male friends for haven't not brought out his wallet in the past 4 months.  needless to say that guy picked up the tab that night and it was almost $6K but there were 8 people at dinner plus the hotel bar/lounge we went afterwards...so I know its important that i pull some of my own weight....I am a wreck.....I keep analyzing and i over analyze...when he is away for work overseas and i call, he always asks me to hang up that he'll call me back and he always does, and his reason is he'd pick up that cost so I dont have to.

 

 

@ smitty....no i actually hadn't wanted him back then, or better yet i didnt think about it then.  our friendship ended 'cos i wasn't with that ho s***...yeah its cute to meet dudes in the club and exchange numbers when u r single even sex some of 'em...but not when u have a dude that is trying and you can blatantly (even ur friends & mama can see that he is trying) see it.  That was trifling, and i felt like if I didnt let her know how I felt, I wouldn't have been a good friend.  so i said what i had to say and she nodded in agreement in my face and told other people i was jealous of her & a bunch of other s***.  He and I are just friends at this point, and i asked him about it (he still sexing her), and he said seriously it difficult for him when it comes to her especially cos she is only girl he has ever considered marrying.  Its not like they sex every day, but according to him its easy there isnt any attachments other friendship with her @ least from his perspective if she says no he doesnt feel hurt and if he says no she doesnt feel hurt they just continue on....He feels like he is comfortable with her but wont/cant trust her with anything important...so my comeback is BUT u sex her, and he says yeah but he wear a rubber and its been proven that they are pretty effective when used correctly

@ Couture French Tuesday is a private member only party club that throws parties at different locations all over the world on alternating tuesdays.  So for example in SF they have a different venue every other tuesday, same in london, paris, hong kong, barcelona....

Couture_QuiteJuicy said:

Please please please pursue him! Your ex-friend had her chance... And where exactly is this French Tuesday Event? I live in the city & this sounds like an event I need to attend... *runs off to Google it*

@ marissa taylor, I have spent a few nights at his apt and we talk late into the night, but he keeps me in the guest room lol....i am not bold enough to make a move on a man and have him say no....it will crush me...we have been out dancing and he gets excited and usually whispers that I am tryna get him in trouble, this has happened a few times.  He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room when we go out.  I have been out with him and have seen a couple girls walk up to him to talk to him.  The first girl at a charity dinner walks up asking if she could be his stylist, he laughed and said his tailor in london would be upset, plus I'd get mad at him if he said yes....second time another event at a hotel opening some girl walked up to him complimenting him on his dressing, and he says thanks with a smile and proceeds to introduce me to her.  Sometimes I get the vibe like he likes me other times i get the friend vibe...I am NOT sure. 

marissa taylor said:

i usually  would ...  read and not respond ... but hey.. we are all here to share our stories and help each other land that baller..... its very odd but i have friend that is going through a similar situation and believe me ... its turned ugly.... i am a firm believer that a man always shows signs of interest ... hint thats why he hasn't given up on keeping some contact with your ex friend ...A baller type dude usually goes for what he wants even if he is not out in the open about it ... he will give you signs that he is interested in you... more than just a friendship .. i think he still has feelings for your ex friend ... after all she has turned into a certified hoodrat ... and he still in her alley or some where up her street .... he sounds like a great catch ... and you sound like you got what it takes to keep a baller ... but lets face it ... baller or no baller a man has to show some interest in you ... think back to times u hung out ... was there odd flirting ...did he look at u with lust ... if not ... this may not be your baller ... if so .. jump on him girl !!! but if not ... leave it alone and dont take the risk of getting rejected ... After all you sound like you are in a great circle being friends with him ... and him exposing you to new places and things will only put u in a circle to meet other ballers ... you want him to respect you ...not feel you are anything like his ex  ... i say .. judge wisely.

girl he sounds very hard to read ... now that u go into details ... i take it he may have a thing for you ....but maybe he finds it weird to persue you ... after all he still does sleep with your ex friend... He sounds like he is flirting ... but he is really gasing up a vehicle that ain't moving ... sleeping in two different rooms could just be him being a gentlemen or mean he is not sexually attracted to you ...well .... this is very difficult ... well do you know his type .. if so do you fit the description of his type ...i hope he isnt sending mix signals for it to be nothing ... cuz that would be a waste of your time .Well lets put it this way ...if u want a sudden reaction slow down on your contact with him ... ... he placed u in the friends zone for now ... which means your are a free to mingle ... i think its wise to appear as if u are casually dating men like him but no as successful .. (we dont wanna hurt ego lol ) ... now u don't want to fabricate to the point of disbelief ... but u do want appear busy and interested in someone ... if he likes u ... u will know ... men hate it when a women they want to date is dating others ... he will then quickly move u out the friend zone ... u don't come off thristy and u may win ... p.s men want what they cant have .

Collete said:

@ marissa taylor, I have spent a few nights at his apt and we talk late into the night, but he keeps me in the guest room lol....i am not bold enough to make a move on a man and have him say no....it will crush me...we have been out dancing and he gets excited and usually whispers that I am tryna get him in trouble, this has happened a few times.  He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room when we go out.  I have been out with him and have seen a couple girls walk up to him to talk to him.  The first girl at a charity dinner walks up asking if she could be his stylist, he laughed and said his tailor in london would be upset, plus I'd get mad at him if he said yes....second time another event at a hotel opening some girl walked up to him complimenting him on his dressing, and he says thanks with a smile and proceeds to introduce me to her.  Sometimes I get the vibe like he likes me other times i get the friend vibe...I am NOT sure. 

marissa taylor said:

i usually  would ...  read and not respond ... but hey.. we are all here to share our stories and help each other land that baller..... its very odd but i have friend that is going through a similar situation and believe me ... its turned ugly.... i am a firm believer that a man always shows signs of interest ... hint thats why he hasn't given up on keeping some contact with your ex friend ...A baller type dude usually goes for what he wants even if he is not out in the open about it ... he will give you signs that he is interested in you... more than just a friendship .. i think he still has feelings for your ex friend ... after all she has turned into a certified hoodrat ... and he still in her alley or some where up her street .... he sounds like a great catch ... and you sound like you got what it takes to keep a baller ... but lets face it ... baller or no baller a man has to show some interest in you ... think back to times u hung out ... was there odd flirting ...did he look at u with lust ... if not ... this may not be your baller ... if so .. jump on him girl !!! but if not ... leave it alone and dont take the risk of getting rejected ... After all you sound like you are in a great circle being friends with him ... and him exposing you to new places and things will only put u in a circle to meet other ballers ... you want him to respect you ...not feel you are anything like his ex  ... i say .. judge wisely.

The worst thing you could do is f this man. He likes you as a friend. He respects you as a woman. Those are two very good things. He thinks highly of you. Please understand that he is not interested in a relationship with you. The fact that he introduces you as her friend AND he is still sexing her is the proof that he is still thinking about her, prob every day. And did u say he keeps u in the guest room?? Girl no! Continue to cook for him, go to places he invites you to and buy him small thank u trinkets. It will be valuable in the long run when he introduces you to one of his baller friends. Lastly, DO NOT continue to ask him about her or anybody else he is slaying, lol! It shows your feelings and he will be through wit you if he catches that vibe from you. BE HIS FRIEND! And I think u liked him too like Smitty said. Even when u tried to deny what she said, u went right back to why u quite being her friend over him:-) lmao! Listen to these ladies!!!

I agree with Marissa and Love is a Losing Game....

 

I would continue to be his friend and network with people he knows that can further my career or look for another baller to date that he knows. I'd go to the events with him and mingle. If you guys did get together in a relationship, I agree it could get ugly because no matter what you say, people will ALWAYS think you wanted him all along. she knows he still wants her so she would turn up the charm times 10 to make him leave you, not because she wants him, but just because she knows she can. If she lied and said she would change those ways that he doesnt like, he would definately be with her.

 

I was in a situation where a guy I was messing with has someone, but our sexual chemistry was so off the chain, I was a constant temptaion for him. We would mess around, then stop and be cool with each other, talk on the phone, etc, but eventually we both knew we would mess around again and we did.

 

I would leave this one alone or really try to see if he would make the first move.

i agree a 100 %  on stay in the circle and let him introduce to a baller friend ... that is the best way to go ... its much easier to land a baller when it doesnt have this much drama ...plus if u went to hawaii (paradise) and stella didnt get her grove backlol... i would say lost cause ... if u feel there something there ... i say keep the distance ... if he wants u he will chase ... Be his friend .

Love is a Losing Game said:

The worst thing you could do is f this man. He likes you as a friend. He respects you as a woman. Those are two very good things. He thinks highly of you. Please understand that he is not interested in a relationship with you. The fact that he introduces you as her friend AND he is still sexing her is the proof that he is still thinking about her, prob every day. And did u say he keeps u in the guest room?? Girl no! Continue to cook for him, go to places he invites you to and buy him small thank u trinkets. It will be valuable in the long run when he introduces you to one of his baller friends. Lastly, DO NOT continue to ask him about her or anybody else he is slaying, lol! It shows your feelings and he will be through wit you if he catches that vibe from you. BE HIS FRIEND! And I think u liked him too like Smitty said. Even when u tried to deny what she said, u went right back to why u quite being her friend over him:-) lmao! Listen to these ladies!!!

Yes the guest room...but he says it cos he snores, and he is embarrassed about his sleep mask machine that helps with that...weird thing is we could chill all day on his couch on a saturday, and either one of us or both of us make a food run and just come back lay on the couch and watch tv.  we recently spent one saturday in apt watching whack BET movies all saturday and laughing (its been raining a lot this side of town)...we were laying in the same couch under the cover and it felt right.  He also says as friends we can talk about anything honestly...and he always says he wont date someone who is not his friend.  I am trying hard to be a good friend, but I don't in his words be "one of those petulant women who act badly when things don't go their way"....this feels so complex..

Love is a Losing Game said:

The worst thing you could do is f this man. He likes you as a friend. He respects you as a woman. Those are two very good things. He thinks highly of you. Please understand that he is not interested in a relationship with you. The fact that he introduces you as her friend AND he is still sexing her is the proof that he is still thinking about her, prob every day. And did u say he keeps u in the guest room?? Girl no! Continue to cook for him, go to places he invites you to and buy him small thank u trinkets. It will be valuable in the long run when he introduces you to one of his baller friends. Lastly, DO NOT continue to ask him about her or anybody else he is slaying, lol! It shows your feelings and he will be through wit you if he catches that vibe from you. BE HIS FRIEND! And I think u liked him too like Smitty said. Even when u tried to deny what she said, u went right back to why u quite being her friend over him:-) lmao! Listen to these ladies!!!

@ Honeycoated...I really don't give an F what people will say if it works out long term.  Cos Lord knows before we ran into each other at the airport, he hadn't crossed my mind since I heard she had her baby, in almost 7 yrs.  He says he CANT ever be with her other than the sex, BUT there was a point they didnt f*** for a couple years, and but he is like her insurance in my eyes that is where she runs when she needs someone to pick her up....He has told her we see from time to time but not the full details cos he doesn't want her talking s*** about me to him, and he likes that i dont talk anything about her or the things that were going on behind his back, way back then....BUT surprisingly, he knows about things that happened cos she told him a lot of stuff in tryna make him re-up with her, but when he said no...she satrted behaving badly again that was around thxgiving last year.  According to him she is a petulant female and he is not her toy.

Honeycoated said:

I agree with Marissa and Love is a Losing Game....

 

I would continue to be his friend and network with people he knows that can further my career or look for another baller to date that he knows. I'd go to the events with him and mingle. If you guys did get together in a relationship, I agree it could get ugly because no matter what you say, people will ALWAYS think you wanted him all along. she knows he still wants her so she would turn up the charm times 10 to make him leave you, not because she wants him, but just because she knows she can. If she lied and said she would change those ways that he doesnt like, he would definately be with her.

 

I was in a situation where a guy I was messing with has someone, but our sexual chemistry was so off the chain, I was a constant temptaion for him. We would mess around, then stop and be cool with each other, talk on the phone, etc, but eventually we both knew we would mess around again and we did.

 

I would leave this one alone or really try to see if he would make the first move.

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