For Women Who Want The Ballerific Life!
We received an email from a loyal reader of NecoleBitchie and BitchieLife so we decided to share it with the rest of you. This email is in
response to a recent article that was written by Dr. J called “Note To Women: Let A Man Be A Man“.
SHELI's thoughts: I'm well aware that there are some women who are just bitter to the core and they constantly try to disrespect & humiliate their men, but not ALL women (especially black women) are like that. Letting a man be a man doesn't mean women have to become docile orifices who exist only to provide men with head, bread, and a warm bed. No man wants that and no woman wants to be that (hell I don't). Yes sometimes women need to STFU, but more often men need to Speak The F-Up and say how they're feeling rather than being so dismissive.
I love both of your blogs and frequent them often. I was reading Dr. J’s post (on Bitchie Life) on women letting men be men and I was prompted to respond offering a woman’s perspective. I actually reached out to Dr. J and shared my response with him. I was wondering if you would be okay with sharing my response to Dr. J with your readers.
Let me preface this with I am a wife, and I should note a former “independent woman”, who firmly believes her husband should be the head of the household. And he is. I did not grant his leadership. I did not “let” him be the leader. There was no discourse or power struggle. He became the leader. There are times when I ask him to do things multiple times or give him instructions on how things should be done around the house. There are even times when I pick up the tab and carry my own bags but at the end of the day my husband knows he’s a man and the leader.
Dr. Jay was so gracious to offer advice on how women should let their men be men. While we women are more than appreciative of your generosity to let us get a glimpse of the male psyche (and ego), I would like to pose this question-how can women let you be something you already are?
Here’s the thing; women don’t wave a magic wand and grant men permission to play their roles. Being a man, being a leader is a position assumed by virtue. Basically, if the shoe fits you will wear it. Because a woman gives specific instructions on thawing chicken or asks for something to be done multiple times in no way hinders a man from his role in the relationship. A true man would understand that sometimes being a leader means that you have to be willing to follow. This means that a man should be humble enough to take direction. A true man would not repeatedly give his woman the opportunity to ask him to do something more than once because he would handle it the first time. A true man would understand that women are by nature nurturing and maternal, therefore, are often neurotic about attention to detail regarding how things get done. And a true man would be secure in himself enough to understand these things and not feel emasculated. Now, I do understand that there are women who can be overbearing, undermining and disrespectful. This may make men feel like their role is being destabilized; however, this is not exclusive to men. No one wants to be undermined or disrespected in their relationship; men and women a like.
If you want to feel like a man act like one. No one can let you be something you already are. Chances are if you feel your woman is too overbearing and you think she is not letting you be the man it is because you aren’t playing your role as you should. You probably aren’t stepping up to the plate. If you are stepping up and being a true man in your relationship yet your woman cannot respect your efforts-run-immediately. You don’t need that. Guys, there is no silver bullet to your masculinity. We’ll let you hold the remote, not ask for directions, watch football on Sundays uninterrupted and leave the toilet seat up. We want you to be the leader. We’ll let you be the man but it’s not up to us, it’s up to you. The ball is in your court.