DISCLAIMER: Feel free to point out the many names I use for the backside, there’s a quiz. Now let’s begin…
“I’m not talking ’bout Playboy, but silicone parts are made for toys.”—Sir Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back,” 1992
Yet, they are becoming really popular with humans. Nowadays, seeing someone with breast augmentation is like seeing a bird fly. Recently, another augmentation method has moved a little bit lower, in particular the gluteus maximums…or better known as the booty. Gluteal Augmentation or Gluteoplasty is on the rise among women who feel like they need junk in the trunk in order to feel attractive. Back in my day (wow, I’m becoming my mother), having a large derrière was something that was frowned upon like having big lips.
Personally, I’ve had a donkey since junior high school, maybe more like a mini donk, and I would try my best to cover it with large clothes. That was until Sir Mix-A lot had a hit song focused totally on round things. All women with back shed their baggy clothing to show their assets off. Of course, as time went on and the Latin Invasion exploded on the states you had the likes of Jennifer Lopez who were getting more attention for their culo than anything else. All of sudden, it was cool to have more than an average size butt. I feel the J-Lo’s and Shakira’s of the world didn’t make it cool, they just worked with what was given to them. But for those who wanted a rump shaker like theirs were beyond envious. It’s not like you could run and get one off the shelf from your local Loews hardware store (”let’s build something together, indeed). But where there’s demand, supply is created. But at what cost?
Now, don’t take this as me knocking the women who do juice their fanny, but why subject yourself to possible infections, scars and abscess for something that was made to sit on? And let’s not forget about this disaster that happened in March. Sure, as a 20-30 something year old it may get you a few things, a few music videos and a spread in ____________ Magazine, perhaps (please enter name in the blank space, thanks). But then what happens when you hit 40 and that thang-thang is dropping faster than the DOW? There are many other things women can do to enhance their badonkadonk without going to that extreme. Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood make inserts that will help you get those temporary curves, for starters. Everyone can’t get butt injections and become a “star” because I believe that one day having real talent will come back in style. One day.
If the reason you want implants or injections is to find “Mr. Right,” be ready to deal with “Mr. Wrong” if he’s only concerned about what you sit on instead of that fist-sized thing that beats inside your chest. People may look at my pictures and say hey you’ve got dumps like a truck, so it’s not an option [Ed Note: We’d like to enter exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C and exhibit D as evidence, your honor]. This is true, but at the same time why add something to your body that can put you at risk, when there are alternatives? Embrace what you have, ladies, and be proud of it. There are plenty of people who will appreciate you for you. It may sound like an old cliché but those people are easy to recognize. If someone asks you if it’s “natural,” you can look them in the eye and say, “naturally mine.” Let Barbie keep her own silicone parts.
“While an original is always hard to find, it’s easy to recognize”—Anonymous