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Permalink Reply by Bonita on August 6, 2012 at 5:13pm

Hey gurl sorry to hear about this but as the saying goes everything happens for a reason. Imagine if he became this way when you just gave birth that would have been ur one way ticket to postpartum and at that point u would not have been able to identify that he was the issue. 

On a normal day I will never advise anyone to get an abortion due to my religious beliefs however this guy sounds crazy and he will definitely use the baby to control you in the future. Now that you have decided to keep the baby take care of urself and ur unborn unfortunately u will have to deal with him for the the rest of the baby's life (i can't) see a family counselor and have something in place. 

I know it will be tough for you in the beginning and this was not exactly your plan but these are the cards that you have been dealt with and it shall be well. You will be tempted to go back to him if the opportunity arises but remember those red signs were real and if anything should happen to you or your unborn down the line who would you blame?
 

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Permalink Reply by luvsmoochez on August 6, 2012 at 11:39pm

Whatever you decide, pray on it first. Think about what the decision will mean to you one way or the other. And move forward and don't look back. I had to sit down with a friend who had a similiar situation. Baby daddy acted cool for 3 years then the minute she got preggo dude was disrespectful with other women, etc. She sat down with all of us ( her close friends) and asked if we really thought it would take a village. We all agreed that it does, but we all chipped in. Either decision is tough. Take your time.

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Permalink Reply by University of Smitty on August 7, 2012 at 12:36am

Welcome to the land of BMs.  I hate to break it to you, but anytime you have a baby with a man and he decides to be a father to that child, he's going to use that to try to control you.  That's just what they do.  It isnt the child support, it's how YOU'RE spending the money......see the connection*smirk*  What you HAVE to do is not get caught up in the bullsh*t or else it's going to be a long hard road.  All of that 'if you break up with me now, you wont see the child later' is ridiculous so dont go there.  It'll just add fuel to fire and the next thing you know, it's burning down cities, states, and countries.  It's hard not to get caught up in the fight when you really want to hurt his azz, but it's not worth it in the long run and this will be a very looooong run.     
 
Love is a Losing Game said:

I just came fro talking to him, and he made it clear that he does not want to be with me and that he feels we can raise the baby together, but separate. I made sure I was not crying a lot and tryna slap the s*** our of him even though I did want to. He said that he will buy clothes and "help" me when the baby gets here. My plan was to stay with him and stack my chips just in case he tried to break bad, I could have money for rent and deposit. This plan was from now til my maternity leave ended. If we was still fighting and arguing every day cuz he was mad, then I'd leave with money saved. He told me today that he did not want me at his house and then he changed the locks. I had to meet him to get my things that he packed up. So now ima have to juggle these bills and create some serious savings for a new place and the things he does not get. I'm already having a hard time, and i'm pissed that he is leaving me out here to figure this out alone. He is 38 and I thought he was responsible enough to handle a situation like this, especially seeing as he don't have any kids either. I have been pondering the abortion thing because I think it is unfair to bring a child into this. HE said we are never getting back together and I can plan my life without him. Seriously, I don't want the abortion, but I dont want to do this alone nor do I want my child growing up with a 1/2 way in dad. We both grew up without a man in the house ( I had a stepfather that was there in the important years) and I swore i'd do better for my child. And I've been reasoning that God would forgive me, but it would just be "people" to have a problem with my decision if I chose to. I don';t want to tho cuz I am about to be 31 and it seems selfish not give the child a chance at a life.....even if it's a f'd up one. I have been thinking that being a single parent isnt the end of the world and I can make it happen, too. Like we would be good, even if he was present 1/2 of the time, or none of the time, since he can't commit to anything seriously. 

As a woman, I can't allow him to treat me like this. The thing is he is so sweet and everything is so good as long as I am doing exactly what he says and as long as he doesnt get mad about something. He's not my husband, but I sure thought he was. I felt like I was supposed to be with him and he was perfect for me. But when I noticed myself crying and always apologizing for little stuff, when I saw how he could walk away from me at the drop of a hat, when I realized that we can't go out to nice places, and if we do go somewhere I can't wear make-up and heels, I started to feel like he was trippin. I still want to believe that he is the dude I met tho, but he is not. And if he can leave me with his child, then I think he can do anything to me. He has no regard to my feelings and is subject to pullin the carpet from my feet at any time. That's when I feel Like I am better off without him, and I can make it. I agree with Luv, it always seems like single moms make it through. 

I don't want him to use the baby against me, trying to control me either. He just told me that I need a lawyer if I think he won;t be able to see his child when he pleases. I told him that if he leaves his child now, he doesnt deserve to be with him when he wants to when he is born. I explained that the baby is living now, and if he doest care about how the baby is doing now he shouldn't care then, and he should sign his rights over. He saying you betta get ur lawyer. I said for what?? I just won't have it then. Then he saying calm down and go to sleep. U thinking about the wrong things. I said everything relating to this child now and later is what I should be thinking about from this very second. I know I dont wanna be with him cuz of how he responds to pressure. We can't build s*** with him jumpin ship whenever he feels like it. I can't depend on him to be a man when the going gets tough, and I don;t need him tryna be a man when everything is cool. I just don't want to make a bad situation worse by keepin the baby. And thanks , DoubleD I know I got yall to talk to, and yall just don't know how much I appreciate that. I thought I was smarter than this, tho! Do you guys think he could ever not be a controlling borderline abuser?  

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Permalink Reply by BlackSnakeMoan on August 7, 2012 at 12:47am

People with borderline need extensive therapy to maintain healthy relationships. Don't count on him for anything but heartache and chaos.

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Permalink Reply by Dragon Slayer Puss on August 7, 2012 at 8:59am

Why my mama talkin s*** now?? I told her I wanted to keep the baby and she was like great cuz she kept tellin me abortion is out of the question. I said "I can do this" and she was like that's my girl. So then, (this is through texting) I said that I would need her support. She was like for what? I was like "Life, dang can't I depend on my mother to help me through this? She was like sometimes. I was like I don't need no sometime support. She said this baby has a mother and a father. I was like but do I have a mother and a father? I would never ask u for money cuz I know u aint gon give it, but I'm talking about support through this. You can support everybody else, but I need help, you always leave me out here by my self. She said "I'm not the one who got u pregnant, so you need to check that anger in." I said I'm not angry, I asked my mother for support and she said she could "sometimes," anybody would be hurt by that. I am not talking about money but u just want me to have this baby so u can see me struggling and refuse to help me. And you of all people should know how a man can do you, so that was a low blow, but I expect many more from you. You need to get over whatever drama you have with me. You talking about i'm jealous of you, but I think u are really jealous of me. Then she gon text "Jealous??????????? Why?????????" I said for whatever reason u think I'm jealous of u for. You told me how u really feel about me in January (Yall remember when she called the police on me, tellin my family I was molested and then tellin me I can't keep a man and I'm jealous of her) Then I said i'm tired of her waiting for my downfall, i'm done texting her and for her to have a good day. Now she has 4BD, so I think she should know first hand wtf i'm going into and for her to throw that s*** in my face was some BS imo. I think she and others in my family are waiting for me to fall so they can all be pointing and laughing. 

Does "support" sound like money? I have my own and I "support" her azz on the regular just two months ago I "supported" her azz with some then turned around and spent 200 on a stroller and car seat for my 29 year old sister that just had another child who lives in my moms 3br, rent, bill, and stress free. She couldn't get it from her man, cuz he lazy as hell and didnt have a job to provide that for her, even tho he lives there as well, rent, bill and stress free. But she  can't offer emotional support for me? Am I wrong about this?? She had me really pissed. And I see that I am out here ALONE. I am mad that she would say that after I told her this fool done changed the locks and all this extra s*** he doing. She coulda at least acted like she had my back.

Anyway, my friend got me last night too, she was like "I guess it was your turn to get put out" Honestly, I was LMAO, cuz she was right. Even tho the situation was crazy, I shoulda noticed how things were going down during that time and took notes for when he flipped on me. Another flag I ignored was that he charged at her during the argument. I was sitting on the couch, and she was up being crazy and somehow he ended up charging, like football tackling her. I was like what are u doing? Leave that girl alone and soon after that, I was like she needs to go and then he put her out. That charging was some bs, but I guess I was thinking that fool know betta than to try that s*** with me. I'm crazy for real, and if I would got a knife out the kitchen then I woulda been using it. Not wielding it in the air. Anyway, this selective vision I have is the lesson I  have learned in this situation. The truth is, I let my vision get f'ed. I participated in making this situation happen by listening to a shaky ass nigga and ignoring what he was showing me. He said that he doesnt have kids cuz one miscarried and the other aborted. I wonder why and I wonder why they not still together??? (LMAO) My friend said that we have been letting him walk away from his responsibilities by taking care of his problems for him. That is why he is not responsible now. I think she might be right.

One side of me is thinking "awwwww baby, and mother, and I can make it and all that cute s***." The other side of me is pointing TWO guns at my head saying "b**** is u crazy?" Thanks Smitty and BSM, I know this boy will "win" if I have this child cuz he is still going to get to control me and make my life hell, all while he can put me the fuc out or anything he decides to do. And IDK, this s*** aint lookin good. I'm so stressed, I'm probably going to miscarry. And get my mind right in the process.

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Permalink Reply by Dragon Slayer Puss on August 7, 2012 at 9:00am

I want to know what Sissy and SIren have to say about this too. Please and thank you.

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Permalink Reply by Siren on August 7, 2012 at 9:33am

Wow Hon this a whole lotta drama. First things first that dude has issues MAJOR issues. You ignored some SERIOUS RED FLAGS!!! Only thing you can do about that now is leave him alone. As far as your mother you have to accept for who she is. You can't expect her to change with you  if she has not been supportive in the past of you, YOUR CHILD won't make her supportive either. I am not a mother but I learned that from issues I have had with my own mother. You can't make people be who you want them to be they are going to be who they are. Not saying she CAN'T CHANGE or WON'T but IF she does she has to do it when she is ready. Right now you need to focus on YOU and that BABY growing inside of you. Again I am not a mother but one thing I do know is that IT WILL NOT BE EASY but YOU CAN DO IT! Surround yourself with Positive people and axe all the negative people out of your life NOW! As for old  boy none of the things you wrote are anything that you want in a husband or marriage, like the other women have said all signs point to ABUSE EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL... none of that s*** is love. LOVE YOU FIRST and never ignore the signs thinking "he would never do that to me"! My last piece of advice is to get down on your knees and pray for guidance & strength in dealing with this situation.

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Permalink Reply by University of Smitty on August 7, 2012 at 10:39am

I did not say that he would automatically 'win'.  I said he was going to TRY to run sh*t.  The only way he'll succeed is if you let him. 

 

As far as your mother..........girl, you are PREGNANT and going through some bullsh*t with the father. Anything anybody says or does is going to piss you off right about now.  Dont start fighing with your mother, too.  That little sh*t she said is not as big of a deal as it may seem.  You've been running to her with this sh*t from day one.........THAT IS SUPPORT.     

Love is a Losing Game said:

Why my mama talkin s*** now?? I told her I wanted to keep the baby and she was like great cuz she kept tellin me abortion is out of the question. I said "I can do this" and she was like that's my girl. So then, (this is through texting) I said that I would need her support. She was like for what? I was like "Life, dang can't I depend on my mother to help me through this? She was like sometimes. I was like I don't need no sometime support. She said this baby has a mother and a father. I was like but do I have a mother and a father? I would never ask u for money cuz I know u aint gon give it, but I'm talking about support through this. You can support everybody else, but I need help, you always leave me out here by my self. She said "I'm not the one who got u pregnant, so you need to check that anger in." I said I'm not angry, I asked my mother for support and she said she could "sometimes," anybody would be hurt by that. I am not talking about money but u just want me to have this baby so u can see me struggling and refuse to help me. And you of all people should know how a man can do you, so that was a low blow, but I expect many more from you. You need to get over whatever drama you have with me. You talking about i'm jealous of you, but I think u are really jealous of me. Then she gon text "Jealous??????????? Why?????????" I said for whatever reason u think I'm jealous of u for. You told me how u really feel about me in January (Yall remember when she called the police on me, tellin my family I was molested and then tellin me I can't keep a man and I'm jealous of her) Then I said i'm tired of her waiting for my downfall, i'm done texting her and for her to have a good day. Now she has 4BD, so I think she should know first hand wtf i'm going into and for her to throw that s*** in my face was some BS imo. I think she and others in my family are waiting for me to fall so they can all be pointing and laughing. 

Does "support" sound like money? I have my own and I "support" her azz on the regular just two months ago I "supported" her azz with some then turned around and spent 200 on a stroller and car seat for my 29 year old sister that just had another child who lives in my moms 3br, rent, bill, and stress free. She couldn't get it from her man, cuz he lazy as hell and didnt have a job to provide that for her, even tho he lives there as well, rent, bill and stress free. But she  can't offer emotional support for me? Am I wrong about this?? She had me really pissed. And I see that I am out here ALONE. I am mad that she would say that after I told her this fool done changed the locks and all this extra s*** he doing. She coulda at least acted like she had my back.

Anyway, my friend got me last night too, she was like "I guess it was your turn to get put out" Honestly, I was LMAO, cuz she was right. Even tho the situation was crazy, I shoulda noticed how things were going down during that time and took notes for when he flipped on me. Another flag I ignored was that he charged at her during the argument. I was sitting on the couch, and she was up being crazy and somehow he ended up charging, like football tackling her. I was like what are u doing? Leave that girl alone and soon after that, I was like she needs to go and then he put her out. That charging was some bs, but I guess I was thinking that fool know betta than to try that s*** with me. I'm crazy for real, and if I would got a knife out the kitchen then I woulda been using it. Not wielding it in the air. Anyway, this selective vision I have is the lesson I  have learned in this situation. The truth is, I let my vision get f'ed. I participated in making this situation happen by listening to a shaky ass nigga and ignoring what he was showing me. He said that he doesnt have kids cuz one miscarried and the other aborted. I wonder why and I wonder why they not still together??? (LMAO) My friend said that we have been letting him walk away from his responsibilities by taking care of his problems for him. That is why he is not responsible now. I think she might be right.

One side of me is thinking "awwwww baby, and mother, and I can make it and all that cute s***." The other side of me is pointing TWO guns at my head saying "b**** is u crazy?" Thanks Smitty and BSM, I know this boy will "win" if I have this child cuz he is still going to get to control me and make my life hell, all while he can put me the fuc out or anything he decides to do. And IDK, this s*** aint lookin good. I'm so stressed, I'm probably going to miscarry. And get my mind right in the process.

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