WHAT DO YOU THINK? - MEN AND TRUST
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One of my other favorite blogs is blackandmarriedwithchildren.com - Now I don't know why I read this shit...because I'm not married nor do I have children. I was reading this issue about a untrustworthy husband...
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Now 15 years is a long time...if your friend came to you with this story how would you respond to her?
Read below:
Dear BMWK, I have terrible trust issues with men. This is my second marriage and we have been together for 15 years, married 14. My first marriage lasted 1 yr and we were both just 21. My husband is a wonderful provider, has taken care of my first daughter from the first marriage since she was 3, now she is 18. We have a daughter together and he always says he has two girls. He is a real man and protector but sometimes he treats me like I’m one of his daughters because he hates when I question him about anything. He does make more money then me like three times more. So he walks around with his chest out, “it pays to be the boss attitude” Anyway, my husband likes to keep in touch with female friends. When we first got together, he stayed in touch with his ex-girlfriend which I hated. Said they were just friends. But when I would check his cell phone calls, they would talk 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning. Doesn’t sound like friends to me. This went on for about 4 years. Then he had another female friend that he claims was really his buddies friend. This girl text him twice on Valentines day like at eleven at night and I remember when he get the text because the phone signal went off. When I questioned who it was texting him on V-day @ this time of the night, he says his buddy about work (they both work the night shift) But again, the spy in me, I wait about a month and check the phone bill and it’s not his friends number so I call it and sure enough it’s a female. She denies and says she doesn’t know who I’m talking about. So I question him and he finally admits that she is just a co-worker “friend”. This was maybe 4 yrs.ago. We went to counseling and talked about the situation and he can’t understand why the counselor and I are both not understanding why he can’t see what the big deal is. Now fast forward to 2007. After counseling, I stopped checking his cell phone bill for about 2-3 years but then he went missing one night and said he was out p laying cards with the guys all night so I started again. Now I always check the cell phone bill online. He has been talking to a female from his class reunion, a female that lives in the same County we live in and another female that works in the same city he works in. Not all at one time but all three in random order within a 12 month time span. The one that I was really concerned about was the one that they text each other almost every morning for about three months. So one day I check his phone and this chicks number is programmed in his phone as Tony but her real name is Tanya. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I know I have a serious problem with snooping and spying but my first husband gave me some baggage and my second husband is stuffing the bags with a lot of BS. I can never prove that any of these women are more then just friends. And he calls me all kinds of names when he finds out that I’ve been snooping so I can’t confront him. I felt like I was driving myself insane. Now about three months ago his phone was on the desk and he was outside cutting the grass. I check the text from “Tony” and this is what “Tony” said and I quote…”Hey handsome, hubby home call you tomorrow” His response, “Okay, don’t give him too much” (then he puts a stupid smiley face winking) Her response, “When your ready, I have some sweet lips waiting for you” His response, “And there talking a lot of Sh@* right now” (another smiley face). So I was shocked because out of all my years of spying, I never had any proof. Now I did. So I wait until that night and I ask him about it and I mean he goes OFF! How I am so insecure that I am driving him crazy, he wants a divorce, I have nothing better to do, that I can be replaced and that I have NO PROOF that he is talking to some female. So I wasn’t going to let him get away with this one and I say, my co-worker saw you at her job and I name the place she works at be cause the number was showing up on his cell phone bill. (even though I just made that up about the co-worker) And he stopped dead in his tracks. Told me to leave him alone and left for work. He must have realized that he couldn’t get out of this one and the next day came with an apology and a couple of days later came with some, “I’m sorry I got caught” Brian McKnight tickets. So we have been acting like this whole situation is swept under the rug. But it hurts and I can’t seem to trust or forgive him.
Now 15 years is a long time...if your friend came to you with this story how would you respond to her?
Tags: husbands, relationships, untrustworthy
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by The real vixxen on -
I gotta say a lot of women put up w this kinda behavior on hopes he might change or I can't let him go becuz what if he teats the next better ect ect.. So alotta women except this or turn the other cheek and deep down inside they are dealing w soo much pain..and that makes me soo soo sad for them.. U really can't help who u love and that's a mother trucker right there. Personally I couldn't stay in that situation but hey I never knew a love like that
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Permalink Reply by Boss/MadamBA on -
I'm starting to think that wives are the ones that take the most shit...LOL
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Permalink Reply by babydoll on -
oh, TRUST, wives be doing their thing, too.... ASK MARIA!!!!!
Boss said:I'm starting to think that wives are the ones that take the most shit...LOL
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Permalink Reply by Boss/MadamBA on
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True dat...OC is Maria.
babydoll said:oh, TRUST, wives be doing their thing, too.... ASK MARIA!!!!!
Boss said:I'm starting to think that wives are the ones that take the most shit...LOL
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Permalink Reply by Charlie/Daddy's Girl on -
You accepted the bullsh*t and kept turning a blind eye...no need in taking your blinders off now...get a hobby, a journal, and a therapist.
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Permalink Reply by jus_jazzie on -
I have to say that it isnt over.....get a therapist....time will heal and take it slow. I know that 15 years is a long time, but if he isnt willing to change you have to say what you are willing to put up with. Brian Mcknight tickets are ok...and thats being nice..for the moment but acting like the situation is over wont heal you and bring the trust back into the realationship. Trust is earned. And from this point on he has to earn it back and put in some work so you can move thru this.
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Permalink Reply by Cougar $pice on -
15 freaking years??? Some serious self esteem issues here!!! IDK how some women can do it. I can't give her any advice, only she knows what's keeping her there and only she knows what will make her leave and when she will leave.
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Permalink Reply by Starr on -
You have two choices: stay or go. Let's think about this logically...if you stay and get a side piece, you not only are condoning his behavior, but you are also risking your divorce settlement. He has been with you for 15 years. Just like you know he's creepin', he will know when you are too. He might even flip it and divorce you. Your daughter is 18 now, so she is old enough to deal with the separation. I say divorce him, collect your half and get some alimony. You have the power right now. As soon as he gets served those papers, he will be BEGGING!!!! I'll be damned if I let any man talk down to me EVER! Collect your pride and start working on yourself and develop an exit strategy. Save up as much money as you can, go back to school or get certified in something that will help advance your career, and gather hard cold proof of his infidelity and emotional abuse over the years. A man doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. Try to see if you can get a print out of his text messages, credit card statements over the years, bank accounts, all his cell phone bills, etc.- and then...BOUNCE!
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Permalink Reply by Boss/MadamBA on
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This is why I didn't get on-star or lo-jack...
JS said:Being intimate with another man won't help her feel better in the long run. Yeah, it'll feel good to be wanted but she's still going home and laying down with her hubby, who she knows is dealing with another woman(women.)
As bad as it sounds, imo there are different levels of cheating but that still doesn't make it alright. I've had homeboys who would have damn near relationships with their jump-offs, having breakfast, lunch and dinner dates and just general companionship type activities for year(s) with another woman unbeknown to their wifey. Not cool, not cool at all. It's bad to fuck around on your lady but if it's some random pussy that's not as bad as emotionally cheating on your wife and actually truly caring for the sidepiece(s).
Some cell phone companies keep records of texts and calls and you can get those for years back. I know a man that got caught cheating because of the GPS in his vehicle. His wife couldn't get ahold of him and she called whatever company(maybe On Star) their car's GPS was through and got the location of his vehicle, went there and found his cheating ass. Big Dummy.
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Permalink Reply by Devyn AKA Dominique Devereaux on -
I honestly believe that men are not wired to be monogamous.
This woman knows what to do, she's just looking for validation from someone else. It sounds like she doesnt believe she can make it w/out him (re: her comment about his salary) so she's staying and will put up with the BS.
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Permalink Reply by Cougar $pice on
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With all this evidence that's easy to get a lawyer will be salivating!!!! She's a damn good PI. She just needs that 'push' to 'leave'. LOL
Les said:You have two choices: stay or go. Let's think about this logically...if you stay and get a side piece, you not only are condoning his behavior, but you are also risking your divorce settlement. He has been with you for 15 years. Just like you know he's creepin', he will know when you are too. He might even flip it and divorce you. Your daughter is 18 now, so she is old enough to deal with the separation. I say divorce him, collect your half and get some alimony. You have the power right now. As soon as he gets served those papers, he will be BEGGING!!!! I'll be damned if I let any man talk down to me EVER! Collect your pride and start working on yourself and develop an exit strategy. Save up as much money as you can, go back to school or get certified in something that will help advance your career, and gather hard cold proof of his infidelity and emotional abuse over the years. A man doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. Try to see if you can get a print out of his text messages, credit card statements over the years, bank accounts, all his cell phone bills, etc.- and then...BOUNCE!
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