I had this conversation with a girlfriend last night. I view dating simply as a "fact-finding mission."

I meet you, we decide to go somewhere, a "date." During this "date" I listen to you, probe you, feel  you out, think about where, if any place, you can fit into my life, as well as find out your basic interests, how you think, what you talk about, you know, just the basics.

If I enjoyed your company, we can go somewhere else. After about three or four dates, I pretty much know if I want to continue getting to know you or not. If I think not, we usually begin to communicate less, and you become "a cool dude I met." No hard feelings, no emotional expectations, and blah blah. If I think yes, that is when we begin "kickin-it" where we kinda begin a friendship. We talk, laugh, go places, and I go deeper into your personality and how/if we can be anything more than friends. After a bit of kickin-it, it is revealed if we have potential/desire for a relationship and all that. If we get into a relationship, that is when things become exclusive, and I don't talk to other guys and expect you to not talk to other girls in a "romantic" way.

 

What do you guys consider dating? Can you rightfully date more than one person? Are there any expectations in dating?

The IT guy I told yall about got upset with me yesterday. He is always evaluating our status when I have clearly told him I don't want a relationship right now, and he should be seeing more girls than just me. He mentioned that we were "dating." I said no we aren't. We are getting to know each other. Our dating, a year ago, is what has brought us to this point imo. I thought he was cool from our first outings and thought I'd like to get to know him. No pressure, no expectations.

After we finished talking, he asked me for the money that he had given me this weekend. I told him no, because I didn't ask him for the money. He volunteered to give it to me. I later called and told him I will give it back, cuz I wanna be though with him.

IMO, this kickin-it phase allowed the real him to come out. He is no longer trying to impress me on dates, because we are now "friends." And I don't like his friendship style, so I know I wouldn't like his relationship style. And I have discovered all this without (1) getting an emotional attachment, (2) having sex or being physical, (3) putting every damn body in my biz, (4) hurting his feelings/gettin my feelings hurt, and (5) wasting our time.

Does this make ANY sense to you all?

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Ummmm I don't think you really escaped what you listed as #4.  He's hurt.  After a year of seeing you..... you still treat him like a coworker? lol  Dating to me is the period when you are getting to know that person with the intentions of possibly moving into a relationship.  Once you know there will be no relationship to follow...the dating period is over.  ANYTHING after that (if not totally platonic) is a waste of time IMO.  I really like how you defined "dating" btw...but I think you need to let your guard down a little because obviously you are feeling some sorta way about the fact you think he doesnt value what you have now with the same ferocity as he did a year ago.  He's been on the run around with you for a year...maybe you should move on if you are not on the same page with him. 

When we "dated" he told me that he has only had one serious relationship. He lost his virginity at 26. they broke up a year or two later. it took him 6 years to get over that relationship. He has not had sex since then. I thought he was a cool dude, but I didn't think he was emotionally stable enough to do anything besides a friendship. We work together, and I could see him smothering the hell out of me or causing a scene because his feelings were hurt by something, so I told him we could be friends. Within the past two months we have begun seeing more of each other, but I still let it be known that I dont want a relationship. During this time, he has gotten mad at me, and tried to read the hell outta me and yesterday pulled this ish about wanting his money back. I am seeing that he is an emotional person, so I am happy that I have not gone into relationship territory, although I have considered it. When I saw him at work yesterday after the money thing, he was weird as hell, lol. Sometimes he goes into my office while i am not there and leaves cards and stuff on my computer. before I saw him yesterday, he wanted TO HAVE LUNCH AT THE OFFICE......TOGETHER....LIKE WE ARE A COUPLE.  I was thinking WTF? Aint I been clear? if he is hurt, it is his own fault. 

LMAO at Spice. Silly me. I'm giving it back

+1

'Love...' I think you handled it well and you called it as it was, but when you are spending allot of time with someone things get miscommunicated b/c that is saying I like you and he wanted that like to be more than a friend, so his feelings are definitely hurt.

Also, you can definitely date more than one person. I just let it be known that I am dating other people and if they can't handle that they know from the start. It's not smart to just date one person especically if you aren't really wanting a relationship currently.

He works with you so giving the money back is a good idea. Other than that I have a no return policy. That was so tacky for him to ask for it back, but like you said you dodged a bullet cuz u see who he is now.



OLD $PICE PINE NEEDLE said:

...and don't date anyone from work unless his title begins with a C (eo, coo, fo)

If you date the food soldiers (managers, co-worker) you'll be trubble as u have seen and experienced LOL
Love is a Losing Game said:

LMAO at Spice. Silly me. I'm giving it back

Thanks ladies :-). I want to make sure I restate that I did not ask him for the money. I didn't hint at needing any. I wouldn't try to play a hard working man.....unless I can snatch it and run, lol j/k. But anyway I hope that he is not hurt cuz that was not my intention. I would have given it a try if he had let me take my time in to it.

Your definiton of dating is dead on. Yes, I think you should date more than one person, so you cannot get attached an overly protective of them. Also I think dating more than one person gives you more options to know what you want once you are ready to settle down. In order to date a few ppl you should be honest, open (not legs, LOL) and understanding of their feelings. Which you were.

That is the thing men don't listen. He heard what he wanted to and he got his own feelings hurt. U were up front, honest and he cant repect it. So I would say move on before this niggah start tripping out on you at work. Cuz that's goin mess wit your paper! Give him his money back, LOL. That niggah thought he was buying you and got himself messed up.

i agree with royale

a year is a lot of ENERGY used.  I have no problem wasting time because Im a person who believes that you have a lot of time but not a lot of energy to waste. Its good that you layed out guidelines to him, but to continue to see him imo wouldve made me put you in a friend zone and I'd deal with you forever in that manner

Yikes..just noticed you "played where u worked at" never a good idea. But yet in still he's a dummy for actually waiting around thinking you two were platonic. I'd prolly been screwing  everybody in the office and been the topic at the water cooler? eff it

Lol at yall's responses. Why this fool tell me if I needed the money I could hold it till....I cut that ass off... 'Nope, I don't need no loans' lol. Lol
So all y'all jus gon ignore the first 5 sentences that woulda been turned me th f-ck off!!!!! You shoulda knew he was too emotional






Love is a Losing Game said:

When we "dated" he told me that he has only had one serious relationship. He lost his virginity at 26. they broke up a year or two later. it took him 6 years to get over that relationship. He has not had sex since then. I thought he was a cool dude, but I didn't think he was emotionally stable enough to do anything besides a friendship. We work together, and I could see him smothering the hell out of me or causing a scene because his feelings were hurt by something, so I told him we could be friends. Within the past two months we have begun seeing more of each other, but I still let it be known that I dont want a relationship. During this time, he has gotten mad at me, and tried to read the hell outta me and yesterday pulled this ish about wanting his money back. I am seeing that he is an emotional person, so I am happy that I have not gone into relationship territory, although I have considered it. When I saw him at work yesterday after the money thing, he was weird as hell, lol. Sometimes he goes into my office while i am not there and leaves cards and stuff on my computer. before I saw him yesterday, he wanted TO HAVE LUNCH AT THE OFFICE......TOGETHER....LIKE WE ARE A COUPLE.  I was thinking WTF? Aint I been clear? if he is hurt, it is his own fault. 

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