Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Phoenix on January 30, 2012 at 10:21am

+1

I don't want to think about everything. I want to play my role and I want my man to lead and I want to support. That is all.

JustMe said:

This is a good post Tone... I agree with Siren & Des... And I also agree when you (Tone) said men these days will push a woman, etc... 

Good job Tone! 

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Permalink Reply by Russell on August 9, 2012 at 9:01am

So what, in the consensus of opinion, is the difference between a leader and a partner? What are te ACTIONS that women like to see? Examples? I felt I was a partner an my girlfriend needed that coming from an abusive relationship, then... Whammy! She broke it off with no real explanation. I was ahead of her in the relationship (said ILY) and bestowed her with praise (in short became a follower or whipped). In my previous relationship I controlled everything and was hoping for a more balanced approach here. As result she says she doesn't feel it anymore. How do I demonstrate to the woman of today that I am a leader without being overbearing? I want to reattach this woman as we had an amazing connection (she has stated and agrees) and had strong foundation (had recently met her kids and became involved in their lives -which was a major step for her, not taken lightly, then four weeks later... Ended). Any all insight appreciated on these points, topics, ideas.

I have since limited my contact and she has reached out to me twice positively, but that was after two unsolicited "we are over this is the end" statements.

Ugh, need that crystal ball here....

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Permalink Reply by AllyNWonderland on August 9, 2012 at 10:05am

Skytllez!!!!! LOL Where you been girl!?!






Skytz0100 said:

This has got to be the most ignant shyt I have ever read! I do not agree, the parties should be equal, unless, hard labor is involved that is when a man should take charge. What the hell do i look like moving furniture or taking out the trash, no I don't think so! Yes, women want a strong man but they don't want someone to tell them what to do, they want someone who not only can take ownership of a situation but they also must know when to include their partner concerning joint issues or issues involving their daily lives.

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Permalink Reply by University of Smitty on August 9, 2012 at 10:14am

I think the misunderstanding has to do with the Mars/Venus factor and ignorance.  We want a Barack & Michelle type leader.  Yes he leads his family and the whole free world but he's not telling Michelle what to wear,  when to get up, when to sit down, and when to go to bed.  We want an intelligent man with sound judgement that we can trust..............a critical thinker.  We can't just follow some ol ingorant muthaf**ka off the edge of a cliff simply because he has a d**k. 

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Permalink Reply by OLD $PICE PINE NEEDLE on August 9, 2012 at 10:31am

Welcome to BA! Were you her rebound? How soon did you meet her after her relationship? Don't beat yourself up. If she calls again, ask her honest questions and take it from there.

Russell said:

So what, in the consensus of opinion, is the difference between a leader and a partner? What are te ACTIONS that women like to see? Examples? I felt I was a partner an my girlfriend needed that coming from an abusive relationship, then... Whammy! She broke it off with no real explanation. I was ahead of her in the relationship (said ILY) and bestowed her with praise (in short became a follower or whipped). In my previous relationship I controlled everything and was hoping for a more balanced approach here. As result she says she doesn't feel it anymore. How do I demonstrate to the woman of today that I am a leader without being overbearing? I want to reattach this woman as we had an amazing connection (she has stated and agrees) and had strong foundation (had recently met her kids and became involved in their lives -which was a major step for her, not taken lightly, then four weeks later... Ended). Any all insight appreciated on these points, topics, ideas.

I have since limited my contact and she has reached out to me twice positively, but that was after two unsolicited "we are over this is the end" statements.

Ugh, need that crystal ball here....

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Permalink Reply by Russell on August 9, 2012 at 1:14pm

We talked about the rebound thing. She (and I) didn't want me to be her rebound. She was separated for months, had been dating, only one of any real degree of seriousness (tho not to level we achieved). All thing were strong and smooth all signals were green. Had met her kids (big move), spend time with them, dinner even sleep over, went to Cali to meet her life friend. All seemed good, then two days after returning "we shouldn't see each other anymore"

Key statements she made:
It went so fast I thought I was ready for a relationship but maybe not
You give so much but I don't know if I can receive
You give so much I don't know if I will ever be where you are (I slipped and said ILY)
Maybe it's timing
I don't feel it (but she did say she felt it a few days prior in San Diego!?)

Her life friend said all was good until Cali. What happened there? My ex was giving me grief and I was responding, she didn't like it. I directly said ILY, and we had a discussion about how my treatment of her made her uncomfortable -I bestowed too much praise, etc (ex-husband was and continues to be verbally abusive)

After breakup we met once to discuss 'what happened' because I was broadsided. We embraced, kissed, held hands...
Then she sent me "you're wonderful" letter but not for me.
Then we exchanged another email again "it's over" it is what it is and maybe we shouldn't speak -at least for now.
I sent email agreeing with breakup, telling her she amazing but I made mistake thinking she was ready for relationship, and maybe one day we could be friends.
NEXT DAY she reaches out in conversational texts. We exchanged a few and it dropped. Four days later, same thing. Then dropped. I sent her a quick one regarding something she was doing an no response for a day. Then she texted last. iChat a response to my previous question.

I'm told there is a whole 'dating game' but I thought we were past that stage. Do I play hard to get? Is there anything to this? I feel like she MuSt have strong feeling for me, but not the thrilling kind at this moment. I feel like trying to be the opposite of her ex I became whipped and less manly. Also proclaiming ILY gave her all the power (and scared her). Is this fixable? Should I move on? Both?

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Permalink Reply by Baller Alert on August 9, 2012 at 1:27pm

Sounds like she wasn't use to someone treating her right.. some women love abuse.

Welcome to BA Russell...

Russell said:

We talked about the rebound thing. She (and I) didn't want me to be her rebound. She was separated for months, had been dating, only one of any real degree of seriousness (tho not to level we achieved). All thing were strong and smooth all signals were green. Had met her kids (big move), spend time with them, dinner even sleep over, went to Cali to meet her life friend. All seemed good, then two days after returning "we shouldn't see each other anymore"

Key statements she made:
It went so fast I thought I was ready for a relationship but maybe not
You give so much but I don't know if I can receive
You give so much I don't know if I will ever be where you are (I slipped and said ILY)
Maybe it's timing
I don't feel it (but she did say she felt it a few days prior in San Diego!?)

Her life friend said all was good until Cali. What happened there? My ex was giving me grief and I was responding, she didn't like it. I directly said ILY, and we had a discussion about how my treatment of her made her uncomfortable -I bestowed too much praise, etc (ex-husband was and continues to be verbally abusive)

After breakup we met once to discuss 'what happened' because I was broadsided. We embraced, kissed, held hands...
Then she sent me "you're wonderful" letter but not for me.
Then we exchanged another email again "it's over" it is what it is and maybe we shouldn't speak -at least for now.
I sent email agreeing with breakup, telling her she amazing but I made mistake thinking she was ready for relationship, and maybe one day we could be friends.
NEXT DAY she reaches out in conversational texts. We exchanged a few and it dropped. Four days later, same thing. Then dropped. I sent her a quick one regarding something she was doing an no response for a day. Then she texted last. iChat a response to my previous question.

I'm told there is a whole 'dating game' but I thought we were past that stage. Do I play hard to get? Is there anything to this? I feel like she MuSt have strong feeling for me, but not the thrilling kind at this moment. I feel like trying to be the opposite of her ex I became whipped and less manly. Also proclaiming ILY gave her all the power (and scared her). Is this fixable? Should I move on? Both?

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Permalink Reply by Dragon Slayer Puss on August 9, 2012 at 2:20pm

I agree with the ladies. Women would LOVE to have a gentle leader, one that she knows she can depend on and rest in. She does not need a daddy and to be ordered around, and she is not there to only make sure you are happy. A real woman expects her man to set he straight, but in a respectful way, and one that she can grow from. Most me get confused and think that they have to force a woman to follow him, but if she is confident in you having her best interest at heart, she will follow you blindly, because she knows there is no cliff that you will LET her walk off of.

For Russell, I think that you were probably "too nice."  some women find it sweet to be doted on and told I love you and you're so pretty, but IMO, that sometimes becomes too much, and I begin to think does this man have motives? Is he sincere? Is he weak, has he been hurt and is like dying to be loved and accepted again? A perfect example for me is Benzino. There is no reason why that man should be so in love that he has let her move in, gave her a ring, and professed his undying love for her ALREADY. Watching that was crazy to me. I seriously think something is wrong with him, like he is either very controlling or weak. But TO ME, and others may differ, that picture aint adding up. I think you should sit back, and let this woman come to you. Some women want to "come to" the man, and in doing so they give freely, instead of being "enticed" or "guilted" into giving the man what they think he wants.  

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Permalink Reply by Slim G on August 9, 2012 at 5:22pm

Well said US!!


University of Smitty said:

I think the misunderstanding has to do with the Mars/Venus factor and ignorance.  We want a Barack & Michelle type leader.  Yes he leads his family and the whole free world but he's not telling Michelle what to wear,  when to get up, when to sit down, and when to go to bed.  We want an intelligent man with sound judgement that we can trust..............a critical thinker.  We can't just follow some ol ingorant muthaf**ka off the edge of a cliff simply because he has a d**k. 

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Permalink Reply by Russell on August 9, 2012 at 6:56pm

@ Love- I believe I was probably too nice.  I wasn't making up what I thought, but certainly put  a spin on it.  Initially she seemed to enjoy it. I thought I was being a counterweight to the ex's abuse (which she referenced once how he NEVER said anything good).  Additionally, I have backed off. Our last 'relationship' exchange was that I was ok with the breakup, I'm excited about my future, I think she's an amazing woman but wasn't ready for a relationship -oops, my bad, and  MAYBE we could be friends in the future.  22 hours later she's reaching out to me conversationally.  Then the conversation died.  Four days later, again, she reaches out. I sent her a quickie next day which she waited a day to respond.  I haven't responded to her last yet. Can this REALLY make a difference? She's pledged she doesn't feel it. Is that all due to the previous exchanges? My pulling back can really cause her to reignite?? Wow, this s*** is confusing! What's equally strange, I was married 10+ years and I was the sole decider in everything, I ran the show, here I was letting her take the lead because of the bad previous marriage.  Guess I should have just been me.

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Permalink Reply by Jae Nei on August 10, 2012 at 4:30am

Why do some people equate leadership to domination? There are ways to lead without being overbearing just as there are ways to follow without losing your identity. It's becoming more and more obvious to me why there are so many single people in the world. Trust me, everyone isn't single because they want to be. Some of you miserable f****** have no choice...

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