I've seen so many posts about women doing all kinds of things to keep their baller interested. I spent the weekend coming across one trifling conversation to another about how one woman is trying to hold her baller by doing these things: buying a pole for the bedroom, starving herself, taking lap dances classes, and currently researching a job as a “web cam girl” to spice up her boyfriend’s fantasies.

This is all 1 woman. Then in another conversation, someone else was talking about all the whips, chains, and sex books she has brought herself to keep her baller at home. Then I read Karrine Steffans piece on MomLogic.com about bringing poles and whatnot into the bedroom.

(Yawn) This is all fine if it’s something your baller has asked of you. If he actually came to you and said, “Baby, things are kinda wack around here, come to the strip club with me” or “Damn, we need something new. How about a giant, black vibrating man-doll?”

Then you can ahead and proceed as you like. But I feel strongly about women interjecting on “man time” or “man space”. Though I may be leaning towards the strip club, this really applies to anything that is considered “me time” for a man. Maybe the truth is he doesn’t want to see you (again) doing that lap dance for him in the heels, but he rather be at the strip club checking those ladies out. He sees you all the time in many ways—happy, sad, funky, clean, fat, slim, bloated, etc. He sees the girl at the strip club looking shiny and slick all the time. It just makes sense why he rather go there. It has nothing to do with his affection for you, but everything to do with him just wanting to see the strippers. Yup, that simple.

He wants to go out and look at strippers on the pole or another splendid estrogen filled adventure. Without judging him, crying, or being manipulative, the best thing is to let him go. Let him be free. As long as you both have some unwritten rules like be home before sunrise, make sure you wash your hands before you touch me, what really is the problem? The problem is YOU. You can drive your baller away just with your mouth. You can drive him away with your petty little jealous notions. The way you to maintain anything in life, and even leverage, is to act like you don’t want something. Not being disrespectful and hiding his singles—you wanna make sure he has all the singles he needs so he’s not in front of the bodega at 4am in the middle of a drive-by trying to break a $20.

This is also called trust. When you completely and wholly trust your baller, and he trusts you, there is no deeper intimacy than that. That’s the glue that makes relationships stick. Complete trust represents freedom, joy, expansion. You both can come to each other with needs, requests, ideas and feel safe that it will be listened to, may not always be fulfilled, but listened to. A baller will most likely stay with a woman who will allow him to be himself, and explore the world on his own accord. Now, I understand how scary this may be feel, and that’s normal. But if it’s too scary, you are already counting down the relationship’s demise.

Now, granted there are some men who don’t want their space from you or want to be somebody else, he may be what you need. But most alpha males, need to be let go. But since most men aren’t alphas, it can get very complicated with emotions, threats, and the need to compete with your partner. An alpha male knows how to handle these situations because he’s already laid it down at home. We know the rules. We know the loyalty is there, and so is the unbreakable bond.

It’s not fair to confine anybody from living because they are with YOU. You’re holding your lover, not a hostage in a relationship. Also, don’t demand that you want to go to the strip club with him. First of all, most men don’t know how to act when their wife or girlfriend is there with them and will interrogate you about your sexuality all night. Secondly, they may not want you there at all. It’s best to have an open conversation. If he’s tuned into you, he’ll see that it makes you uncomfortable, and may invite you on his own accord. That’s the way to go. He’s prepared and can feel good about sharing something different with you. Rather than you steamrolling him with your demands. It’s not sexy, it screams “love me, please.” A desperate cry for help. It’s always better when your man wants to spend more time with you, than you want to spend with him. He wants to spend 100%. You want to spend 95%. Works like a charm, rarely does when it’s the woman going 100 alone. She’ll eventually sabotage the relationship because insecurity will eat away at her. Remember, you want to take care of yourself first. You must always love yourself more than anyone else. To do this, you have to accept that you cannot control others and must do what you need to do to keep your own sanity. Nothing worse than seeing a woman forcing a man to change to make HER more comfortable. That is your job, hon.

I rather a man who wants to stay, rather one that needs to be kept. You’ll be chasing after him forever.

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