Baller Alert Entertainment & Lifestyle
Let me start off by telling you a little about me. I am a Christian minister and transformational life coach and have dedicated my life to helping people become whole and live their best lives. So when I blog I am never writing to point fingers or from a bashing bias; I give information that can be utilized to help alleviate some of the issues we all face from day to day. As you read this blog (or just the excerpt, because most of you form opinions without reading the whole blog) don’t read it ready to respond with how you’ve felt about the subject already, take the time to see if any of what I say can help you.
I just want to help. I just want to help. I JUST WANT TO HELP!!
This is my resolution for the problem I presented in my last blog “Is he intimidated by you or does he feel uncommitted to by you.” The issue I raised in that blog was that men aren’t necessarily intimidated by successful women, they don’t want to deal with the attitude that comes from some successful women. After the blog was posted, I received one recurring comment, “I’m not stroking no man’s ego.”
To the women that have this type of attitude I have two questions for you.
1. What are you willing to do to make a relationships work?
2. Do you even want a relationship to work?
When the issue that is raised is men feeling uncommitted to by women who are well off and the response is “I’m not stroking a man’s ego,” that proves the point of that blog. That statement is saying “I’m not committing to do what I have to do to make this work because basically, I don’t need him anyway.” The refusal to alter some things about you is the exact reason some men will not entertain a prominent woman.
So the question is asked again, what are you willing to do to make your relationship work?
First let’s deal with the whole “stroking the ego” thing. Egos get a bad rep because people don’t really understand what they are. Most look at it as something that can be inflated or deflated and is thought to be synonymous with self esteem. That isn’t exactly what the ego is.
The concept of the ego was developed by famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud in his 1923 book “The ego and the id.” In psychoanalysis the ego is defined as the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity. Basically it is the part of our minds that subconsciously processes the information we receive, formulates what it believes to be the safest assessment on how the information will affect us and feeds it to our conscious mind.
So when a woman comes off as too independent with no desire to be interdependent (KEY WORD) with her man, a man’s ego perceives that she won’t commit to him, raises a red flag as to how that information could affect him in the future and feeds it to his conscious mind which in turn decides not to deal with her. So when I raise this issue and point to it as why it makes some men appear intimidated, I am not trying to get you to “stroke an ego” like telling your child good job when they go to the potty. What I’m talking about is not giving the ego information that causes it to raise a red flag.
If you are a single woman who is looking to get into a relationship but there is something about YOU that runs men away, that does not mean think “I just need to find a man that can handle me,” it means make yourself easier to handle. What is your goal? Is your goal to have a happy, healthy, successful relationship or is it to never ever by any means change anything about yourself?
The truth is, when you’re in a relationship there will be things about you that you have to change. You cannot have the same mind in a relationship that you had when you were single. Once you have joined with someone( or plan to) you must realize that your words, actions, attitude and even your body language affects someone else and if you want to be with this person you have to curb some of the things you do that might bother them and that includes the way your success is projected through your attitude.
THIS DOES NOT MEAN dim your light, lower your standards, apologize for your success, hide your success or bring yourself down to a lower level. This means stay where you are as to how YOU feel about YOU but don’t let that dictate how you approach relationships. I know you don’t financially “Need” a man but the fact that you want one shows you “Need” one for something, whatever that may be.
When I use the word “Secure” in my title it is not pertaining to him being insecure about your status but insecure about your commitment. In order to get rid of that insecurity you must answer yes to my second question, “Do you even want a relationship to work?” To my male ears (or technically eyes) hearing “I’m not stroking no man’s ego” automatically makes me think this women will never be fully invested in working on our relationship so I would have no desire to deal with her. Her money wouldn’t be the issue; the issue would be her attitude as a result of her money.
If you are a successful woman reading this and still thinking “I’m not going to change anything to make a man feel comfortable,” then don’t say men are intimidated by your success because it’s not your success, men just don’t like your personality. However, if you’re reading this and you’re willing to put in the necessary work to attain and sustain a healthy relationship, here is my 3 step suggestion to fixing your issue.
Fact of the matter is human beings need to feel valued in all interpersonal relationships. Aside from the pride less leach, people aren’t comfortable feeling like they don’t have anything to offer someone. This is not solely in relationships but in friendships also. If you have a friend that always comes through for you when you need them, your natural response is to want to try to find a way to do something for them. Why? Because you don’t want to feel like a user and that the giving in your friendship is one-sided. When it comes to relationships it is the same way.
The ethical nature of our world is in such a sad state today that if you ask a person what type of person they’re looking for, “Financially stable” will be in the top 5 things mentioned. The problem with this is, financially stable IS NOT a human characteristic. It does not fit in with loving, well mannered, kind, a gentleman, moral, courteous etc. When finances are equal to or greater than quality traits a person possesses relationships are doomed because they’re not built on substantive things. We need genuine people more than we need people with money.
I said all that to set up for my suggestions. (No matter how much sense this makes, I know I’ll get cussed out for this.)
Step 1
The first thing a successful woman has to do is lose, destroy, annihilate and utterly rid herself of the “I want a man but I don’t NEED” a man mindset. Unless you’re perfectly fine with being single and celibate the rest of your life, you NEED a man for SOMETHING. You need a man as a lover, companion, support system, to have your dream wedding, to have children, to rub your butt while you’re in bed etc. It may not be for money but there are things you need a man for.
In 2015 the world has convinced us that we can be self made and self sustaining which is the furthest thing from the truth. I am not afraid to say this “I NEED my girlfriend.” Money has nothing to do with what I need her for; simply understand that she fills in all my weak spots and she needs me because I fill in hers. If you have the mindset and wholeheartedly believe that you don’t need a man, that thinking will permeate your personality and present itself in a way that turns men off.
Saying you “want but don’t need” completely devalues a man. It makes us an accessory and not a necessity. Would you want to be someone’s accessory? I seriously doubt it and that is why it’s imperative for women to lose this attitude. Once you rid yourself of this mindset (which I guarantee will make you more likable) it’s on to step 2.
Step 2
The second thing a successful woman has to do is identify all the things she needs a man for AND not under appreciate them. In the comments of my first blog there were multiple women who said “I don’t need no man. All I need a man for is to love me.” They didn’t even realize they negated their own statement of not needing a man. The problem is they don’t really value love.
If they valued love they would never say they don’t need a man because they would understand they need a man to give them love. So now your challenge is to write out the things you know you need a man for. You’re successful so you don’t need money (which isn’t a trait anyway) so think of those things you desire from a man. Think of all the ways a man can add value to your life.
You may want a man to pray with you, to listen to you vent about what’s bothering you, to motivate you when things are weighing you down, to wipe your tears and embrace you when you cry. All of these types of things are needful for a woman. You can’t put a price on someone holding you when your world seems to be falling apart. This stuff is priceless and should be viewed as such.
These might not be the things you need; only you know what the things are you need from a man. What you’re going to have to do now is begin to look at them as equal as or greater than money. Your success is great but along with that are other things you need for your life to be totally happy. I know the world is telling you that you shouldn’t have to find your happiness in a man but answer this; will you be fully happy if you were single for the rest of your life? If not, you need a man for a certain part of your happiness AND MEN NEED YOU FOR THERE’S TOO!!
In no way am I suggesting that your whole world has to revolve around a man; the Earth doesn’t revolve around the moon or gets its life source from it but it still needs it at night. This is the type of relationship I’m speaking of. You don’t need a man to be your life source but you do need them to be a light in your darkest times. When you come to terms with the things you need from a man it’s on to the last step.
Step 3
The last thing a successful woman has to do is communicate these needs to a potential mate. Going back to what I said earlier, humans need to feel valued. Instead of coming off as not needing a man, explain to him the things you do need him for. Without communication, relationships are weak and bad communication lessons the chance of one even forming, so this needs to be discussed and discussed early on.
Again, I don’t want you to hide your success. You can tell him about your job or business and let him know how financially stable you are but when you do this, let him know that even though your financial status is straight, you still need him in other areas. Men and women both like to have something they do for their partner that they can be proud of. He might not be able to be proud about taking care of you financially but he can be proud about how he loves you like no man before him ever did but that has to be appreciated.
That list you compiled in step 2 needs to be presented to your man or potential man. When you show him there is a part of your life you need him to feel, it will give him a sense of value and security. My premise to all of this is some men aren’t intimidated by a woman’s success; their reluctance to deal with them is from feeling unvalued.
Explaining what you need him for will remove that feeling and make him feel secure with you. This will alleviate the perception that you will not be committed to making the relationship work because he will feel that you’ll fight for him through issues because you need him. As long as a man feels unneeded he will be hesitant to deal with a woman that makes him feel that way. On the other side, when he feels needed, what women look at as insecurity about their money will dissipate because it wasn’t about their success to begin with.
I cannot say this is a 3 step guarantee because breaking a person’s perception is a hard thing to do. Some men might really be insecure about your money and some men might be completely stuck in their thinking and never believe that a success woman will be committed to them. What I can say is this will make the chances of a man not running away from you higher because you have taken some of the barriers down.
Of course there will be some weak men but the strong men that would normally pass on dealing with you because he doesn’t like your attitude won’t feel that way because you no longer have that attitude. When you give off the aura that you’re a strong successful woman whom understands a man is a necessity for her for a set of particular reasons, that will make a man more inclined to stick around.
By @Mitchell_Chance
