Absent Parents ( how do we go about having a relationship with them ) ?

Comment by Devyn AKA Dominique Devereaux on April 14, 2009 at 1:37pm

My parents separated when I was about 6 or 7 yrs old (you know how we do on divorces 20yrs later lol!). My father was a part-time dad for a long time. I remember watching my mother struggle financially because the child support was few and far btwn. I am a daddys girl so when he did come around all was forgotten. My relationship with my father matured as I did. I remember a lot of the wrong he did and probably dont even know all of it, but forgave him, because he became a full-time father when I needed him most. But everyone is different - it really depends on the situation...

Comment by CLEM on April 14, 2009 at 1:51pm

I lost my biological father not too long ago. I have known him only for about 3 months before he passed away....The sad part is that he hasn't been a part of my life since I was 2 years old. I found one of his kids on a site by doing a search and finally got in contact with him that way. Growing up without a father definitely has affected my life and now realized why I always dated much older men but yet never trusted them. To add insult to injury I grew up in a household with an abusive step father. When I first got in contact with my biological father I didn’t know how to act towards him. I had many questions in stored for him but went blank when I finally came face to face. I wanted to care and love him but at the same time I was also very upset and hurt by the whole situation. Many people say you forgive and move on but in this case I really don’t know what to think maybe I needed more time…

Comment by Golden Child on April 14, 2009 at 3:48pm

My father hadn't ever been around, I had never seen him besides on a picture. Only thing I hated that I wanted to meet him, his family knew about me but they didn't care. Too bad he passed away when I was 11 and now that I'm an adult it's like I can't reach out like I want because he's gone. To add fire to flame I was sexually abused a year before he passed, dealt with my alcoholic mother who I love, and been an aunt since I was 8.

Comment by Stephbaby on April 14, 2009 at 4:36pm

Wow I can definately feel where ur coming from. My father has always been in my life but finances were terrible (steady trying to be a hustla) & my sister's(who is 6+yrs younger than me) dad is almost never around but my mom gets a steady child support check. So thats kinda how my sister is , her life has been affected with this as well. But she had her Big Sis to let her know (when she was younger) that she is not a mistake & its not her fault they are not together. She held those feelings for a long time. Shes a very talented & bright young lady, so now she has put that chapter behind her & starting to begin a new life of her own in college. She use to be very depressed because she was too young to understand what was going on at that time. But now she's all good. God do put & take people out of ur life for a reason. She still & will always love him but she is so excited about going to college & she said she will be looking towards her future with or without him.

If your still feeling hurt with ur father maybe u should tell him how u feel, if u havent already. Or maybe u just have to give him some tough love (having a flashback of my 1st discussion)! Hope all is well & everything works out in ur favor for peace of mind CP.

Comment by Starr on April 14, 2009 at 5:15pm

Damn, ya'll are breaking my heart. My situation with my father is very similar to many of yours. I knew my father loved me but was sick. My parents got divorced when I was 5 or 6 and I saw my father once when I was eight, but he was drunk the entire time. The next time I saw him was when I was twelve, still drunk. Once he got sober, I reached out to him when I was nineteen and then I made my way to NY at least twice a year and spent the summers with him. He died when I was 24, but I am grateful for those last few years we had together because that's when we really got to know each other. I never held anything against him because my love for him overpowered any ill feelings I had. Many times when our parents are not in our lives its because their lives are not together. Their absence doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love us. Most of the time they are ashamed and alone and don't want their children to see them in that state. Sometimes they are afraid to make that connection, especially if they haven't been there. I was persistent to develop a relationship with my father. It's not that he didn't love me, he just didn't know how to get me back in his life. He would yell at me sometimes too, but I never yelled back, even though I was afraid sometimes. I knew that he had been through a lot, so I just told him that if he didn't stop I would leave and not come back. That always seemed to work and I would help him when I came to visit, like clean his house for him and run errands. Even though I didn't see him much in my early years, he was always there. He bought me my first computer, sent me books about staying away from drugs and alcohol, etc., so I knew he cared. At his funeral, several of his buddies from AA came up to me (they knew who I was because I look just like him, lol) and told me how much he used to talk about me and how much he loved me. So, I said all of that to say, even though you have many questions and may be angry, it's okay to feel that way, but don't let it ruin what can turn out to be a beautiful relationship. My sisters didn't reach out to him, and I completely understand why because their situation was different than mine was, but when he died, they regretted it. Just try and understand that things in his life may not be going well, let go of the grudges, FORGIVE him completely, and if he hasn't gotten help, maybe you can help him go down that road if he is ready. I hope it all works out for you. :)

Comment by Devyn AKA Dominique Devereaux on April 14, 2009 at 5:30pm

CP, honestly your father's absence made you the woman you are today. Ive had this discussion with friends before and we all agree that watching our mothers struggle is the reason behind our fierce independance. Like Les said, talk to your father, forgive him and try to build a relationship based on who you are now...its worth it...

Comment by Cookie Pie on April 14, 2009 at 7:34pm

I do talk to him but most of the time he is so rude and insults me .... he is very arrogant and he almost treats me as if his absence was my fault . He says the most horrible thing about my mother , calls me stupid for the career I chose , tells me things like my mother is jealous of me and wants to hurt me but he protects me with prayer ! Sometimes he is ok but most of the time when I talk to him , I feel horrible when I'm finished ! SO most of the time I block him out of my mind , I don't care what he has done , it's what he does now that disturbs me . And another thing is he constantly denies that he has a child and gets angry if someone asks him about me in public . I love him but I don't know how to deal with his toxic behavior . He is not a drunk , a pimp or a hustler .... he's a preacher ! He knows what he is doing is wrong , I just have to ask the lord to show me a way to deal with him .

Comment by Starr on April 14, 2009 at 7:39pm

CP, forgiving your father will open up so many doors for you and it is the beginning of the healing process. Many times we feel like it doesn't matter and you can live your life without him since he hasn't been there all along, but it will eat you up inside and affect your children. Happy parents equal happy kids. Do it for yourself. I attribute my ability to forgive by the love I have for him. I'm not even sure if I was ever mad at him because I understood him, when no one else seemed to. Tap into that connection you have with him, explore it, expose it, and challenge him to be your father- demand it. There were times when my dad was hesitant about me coming to see him and I knew it was because he was depressed, but I still went anyway and made him pay for my ticket, lol. When I got there, he was glad to have me around. Being around him and having talks with him inspired me to pursue my education. He was well educated and very smart, but I wouldn't have known that if I never took the time out to inquire about it. It's one thing to hear that your father has this ivy degree and that ivy degree, but to know how he got there and what it took is a different story. Regardless of that, learn from his mistakes and shower him with love. He will keep pissing you off and doing hurtful things, but remember where he is coming from. It will help with the process. You just have to stay on him, call every once in awhile, and see him as much as you can. You never know when he will be taken from you. I would be devastated if I didn't have those last few years with my father. He probably feels as if you don't love him and that's why he may have been upset when you didn't call. Invite him into your family and tell your children the whole truth about him and teach them how to love unconditionally, as you will.

Comment by Cookie Pie on April 14, 2009 at 7:50pm

The strangest thing is ... I have nothing to forgive him for . He has never really done anything wrong to me , he may be rude but so am I so I almost understand I'm sorry if I came across as unforgiving because it's not that it's just the fact that sometimes I forget to call him and he calls me and upsets my whole day for no reason and I am always so close to going off on him but I wont because he's my father and I have respect for him . I don't feel hurt ,I let go of that long ago . My life always been open to him but I am a busy woman with a family and he needs to respect that . I just need him to treat me like a woman not a little child and when I speak to him again I'm gonna tell him that !

Comment by Starr on April 14, 2009 at 8:33pm

It's cool to let him know that you are busy and have a life, but try to include him in it. That's what he needs. The fact that he is upset is a good sign because that means that he wants to be in your life. Have a family dinner and invite him over. If he is out of town, invite him to spend a weekend with you and your family, or go to see him to start out. If he acts up, don't shut him out. Speak to him firmly and let him know that his behavior isn't cool, but don't stop inviting him over or going to see him. I just said forgive him if you felt any kind of way from him not being there for you. When he calls all hot and bothered, just tell him what you have been up to and why you haven't called and then continue the conversation, but make sure to include him in what you have going on in the conversation, and give him every little detail. Let him say hello to his grandchildren. Love is a powerful thing and it can heal people so easily. I have experienced it. Hell, we are all busy, but your father is willing to make time for you, unlike many dads out there. Take this opportunity to explore the possibilities before its too late. You will have to make sacrifices with your time to nurture the relationship with him. I know you may think that he hasn't done the same for you, but that is where your understanding and love come into play. You can keep living your life, but make him a part of it. You will be glad you did. Have an honest talk with him. Just don't ask him why he wasn't there, ask him what was it that kept him away, if you don't already know. Make him tell you and then don't make him feel bad about it. Let him know that you still care no matter what. When he sees that you aren't angry or resentful, it will be much easier for him to be a father to you. It's not too late for that. Understand that he is in pain and that he wants to be there. You will probably have to take the lead. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, he just had bad experiences. You can PM me anytime if you need any more advice or if you would like to talk.

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