Absent Parents ( how do we go about having a relationship with them ) ?
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While on twitter this morning I came across a link that Uncle Rush posted and it led me post this blog . We all know the story of how Diddy is helping to raise Kim's son that she conceived with Al .B Sure , well this young man has written a heart wrenching song to his biological father and it led me to a question that so many young men and women all over the world , that question is how are we supposed to respond or interact with a father or mother that has been for the most part absent in our lives ? Whatever the reasons may be , I know that everyone has a different story and there are always two sides but ..... I am a real mother , no one could ever keep me away from my kids and I mean that from the bottom of my heart ! After the years have past and whats done is done , how are we supposed to act around them when we see them , or how should we react when they call once in a blue moon ? The reason I keep saying we is because this story is not foreign to me , I have been there and am still going through it ! My parents divorced when I was very young and I have no memories of them being together so the fact that they were not together didn't bother me but what did bother me is that my dad never saw a need to include me in his life ! He would call or write every now and then . Sometimes he would even stop by and take me to a dinner that my mother would pay for . Lol ( I can laugh about it now ) As a child this was very painful for me and I developed problems which followed me into adulthood . My father would disappear for 5 years then reappear when he needed money from my mom ! How crazy is that ? But through it all , I always loved him and I still do . Up until a few months ago I hadn't heard from this man for 9 years ( that's almost a decade yall ) , then one day he reappeared under some weird circumstances but I wont get into that . Anyway we reconnected and I sent him pictures of the grandchildren whom he had never met and he sent me an emotional letter ( which didnot bring me to tears ) . Now we talk once in a while and we were doing pretty good until he started leaving me voice mails saying things like " WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME " !!!!!! " I DAD WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU " ect ...... Now mind you , these messages were not in a nice tone , he sounds very angry that I have not called him in a few weeks ! HELLO , you are not really a part of my life , I love you and I hate to say this but .... out of sight , out of mind !!! Don't get me wrong , I don't, NOT call him on purpose , It's just not something I think about all the time and the fact that he has a nasty attitude doesn't help the situation at all ! If you were me or that young man who saw writing a sons as the only way of really expressing his feelings to his dad , what would you do ? How would you go about having a relationship with an absent parent ?
THIS IS THE LINK TO THE SONG :http://globalgrind.com/content/587030/A-Letter-To-My-Father-Al-B-Sure/
After saying all of that , I feel the need to say this , I believe that everything happens for a reason . Contrary to the way I felt when I was much younger , I actually believe that it was God's will that I grew up with out a father . I don't think for one minute that my life was an accident or that I was dealt " A bad card " because God has filled my life with people who loved me and took very good care of me ! I have nothing against my father , he is simply what God made him. A Stork nurtures it's babies and feeds them with her mouth , An Ostrich drops her eggs on the ground with no concern about them getting trampled or killed but God made the Stork a Stork and God made The Ostrich an Ostrich so they themselves cannot be blamed for what they are ! We should always be considerate of our parents regardless of the wrong that we see them do or that they do to us . At this time in my life I am simply asking for guidance through a difficult situation ! Peace and Love Fam .... I would love to hear your thoughts !
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Comment by Starr on April 14, 2009 at 8:48pm - Tell him that you will not tolerate any negative remarks about your mother- at all! I can relate to what you are saying, but you have to realize that he is the one with the problem, whether it be your career choice or his denial of you. Let him know that shit hurts!!! Tell him how much it hurts you, allow him to see that. Maybe you can go to counseling together if he doesn't get it. Sometimes an outside perspective will help. If not, then you just have to know deep down in your heart that it is not you, it's him that has the issue. I know where you are coming from. He has been hurt for a long time and probably doesn't know how to deal with you, or life... It takes a lot of patience and tolerance, I know. He will insult you, piss you off, say offensive things, deny you to other people, etc. My dad denied my sister for the longest. Shit, make him take a paternity test and then if he ever denies you again, call his ass out! This process will not be easy, but you have to be strong and firm and know that it will take work. He knows what he needs to do, but unfortunately, needs to be forced. Once you get past that phase, a beautiful relationship can develop. You just can't take it personally because it's really not about you, it's about him. I know it's hard to do, but you have to just understand the reason for his behavior. Once you know the entire truth about his background and his feelings, it will help you.
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Comment by MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on April 14, 2009 at 9:13pm - Wow, you certainly have your hands full with this one CP. It's so easy to say "fcuk him, he's on some bullshit" but he is still your father and even though you are a grown woman now part of your soul may still yearn for that feeling of being daddy's little girl. I think you owe it to that part of yourself to develop and adult father-daughter relationship starting with as Les suggested not allowing him to talk bad about your mother for the simple fact that, she deserves the utmost respect for being mommy and daddy for your entire life. Also firmly explain that you don't owe him a relationship, but that you would like to have one and that it is a two way street, he can call you just like you can call him, not to mention the fact that you aren't throwing it in his face how he didn't call when you were young. I think that over time you can find a place in eachother's lives but he has to earn it.
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Comment by Misting on April 15, 2009 at 3:43am - wow. Maybe he is just taking his anger and frustrations of not being there for you, on you. Thats what it sounds like. I say if only for your kids; you should just put up with his arrogance. Let your kids get to know there grandfather and leave what he has done to you in the past. Talk to him and let him know you havent forgot about him you're just occupied with other things. He must realize you're a full grown woman and deserves respect. And maybe he will understand where you are coming from and stop taking his anger out and become a Dad and a Grandad he should've been a long time ago! hope it works out for you....
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Comment by lady lynxx- ladylynxx.ning.com on April 15, 2009 at 7:45am - Woow Cookie...after having father issues myself all my life I can relate. My solution to negative people however is not to make them a part of my life. We all know where we stand and that is fine with me!
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Comment by Cookie Pie on April 15, 2009 at 10:46am - LOL ..... ladyl , they don't understand ! If I was to open myself to him completely , he would rob me and my kids of everything we own and disappear . @ Les , I don't think he's interested in visiting me or me visiting him for that matter . Besides , he never tells me where he lives but I'm sure he has his reasons . I left out so many details because it's just too deep ...... but I do want to have a relationship with him so I will tell him how I feel about his attitude . Thank you ladies so much for taking the time to help me with this !
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