Baller or Not....Abuse is not an Option!

By Honeygrip

This is a deeply personal piece for me. So bare with me...


It all started a few days ago when I posted a link to Rihanna's new video for "Wait your Turn" on my Facebook page and one of my FB friends commented that it was hard for her to like Rihanna's music knowing that Rihanna provoked Chris Brown that infamous night.

The comment disturbed me. Not because this woman was being so judgemental as to assume that she knew the inner workings of what took place that night in the car, but because as a black woman- she automatically made the black guy "the victim". As if the recounts of the night in the court papers weren't enough. As if Chris pleading guilty wasn't enough. It was still something that she did that made this incident happen. It's that constant attitude that makes women who are in abusive relationships downplay the abuse and even worse- continue to STAY. They put the blame & owness squarely on their shoulders and remove the responsibility from their abuser.

"If I would have had dinner ready when he got home- this wouldn't have happened"
"If I didn't go through his phone and confront him-this wouldn't have happened"

Until people's attitudes towards spousal abuse, domestic abuse and domestic violence change the truth is more women & men will be shamed into denying that they suffer from it. But the fact is that it's more rampant than anyone (especially in the black community) cares to admit.

When the Chriannagate happened back in February, I was very shocked by people's response to it. Especially black women; who vigorously defended Chris and his behavior, assuming that Rihanna must have done something to justify the horrific beatdown. People ignorantly claimed that it wasn't that bad & that she was just overdramatizing it for publicity. They still do.
But I seriously wondered: Would people have said these things if it were Britney Spears & Justin Timberlake??

Would white people have sat back and tried to reason that Britney must have done something to Justin to make him beat her? Or what if it were a mixed couple? A black guy and a white woman? Would it still have been something she did to make him hit her?? Ask yourself that question.

There is never a justification for Domestic Violence. I'll repeat that in case I wasn't clear the first time. There is never a justication for Domestic Violence.

Unfortunately, as black women, we have had and continue to have an extremely negative reputation. We have no value. We are hard to manage, unruly and high maintainence. Coniving & trifling. Not to be trusted. No one wants to be bothered with us if they don't have to be. That's why there are more of us as "babymommas" and not "wives".That's why our men turn to women of other ethnicities for refuge, more often than not. That's the deeper issue. That message is constantly reverberated in the media, in our communities and especially from our peers.

I saw more women defending Chris, than I saw black women relating to Rihanna. Now I am not in any way saying that there are not black women who are aggressors in domestic violence cases. But what I am saying is that more times than not we are the victims.... PERIOD. And the reality is the victims are getting younger and younger.

Statistics show:
About one in three high school students have been or will be involved in an abusive relationship.
Forty percent of teenage girls ages 14 to 17 say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
In one study, from 30 to 50 percent of female high school students reported having already experienced teen dating violence.

50% is half! So even if you or your teenage sister or daughter is not a victim...You know one.

Let me get personal for a minute...

I endured my first abusive relationship at the age of 16. The guy was a couple of years older than me, but even so I was more mature. Our relationship began to consume me. My friends tried to tell me and then my family. But the more anyone protested my relationship, the more enthralled in that relationship I became. It became an addiction, He would never tell me he loved me. Most of the time, he spoke very negatively to me, about me or about women in general. So, at first I tried to prove that I was a good person. Worthy of love, especially of his love. Because I was so young and obviously in need of attention, I started to seek out what I wasn't getting. I began to cheat on him, and when he found out he let me have it! But in my mind, the beating wasn't about abuse. It was about him in his immaturity finally revealing emotion! EUREKA! He must love me if he could get that upset at me and lose his temper like that and hit me....

I always thought domestic violence victims were the women like Farrah Fawcett in 'The Burning Bed', running for their lives and cowering in corners, scared to death. They were victims, they were weak! But not me, because I fought back and I would go upside a nigga's head real quick if I had to.I was young and reckless and full of angst towards men because I lacked a relationship with my own father. But even with all of these factors, the fact of the matter is that no loving relationship should have you scarred, battered, bruised or emotionally beaten. If you have to knuckle up to the one you love, you probably don't need to be with that person. And if it happens once. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. PERIOD. Only you can decide if you will let it happen to you again. Not the other person. That decision has to come from you.

For me, the cycle had started. I took this lesson with me from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationship. In my early 20's I had figured that I was strong enough to stand up to any man in any situation, especially where my feelings were involved. And I didn't stand for any betrayal or injustice. I took my lickings and kept on ticking. And I saw these nuances play out in other relationships around me. So, I thought every relationship has it's ups & downs. These negative reinforcements perpetuated my jaded thinking. Until I finally bucked up on the right one- or shall I say the wrong one...

I found a partner who had his own set of dysfunctional issues. So when I behaved as I did times before in the past, his response to my behavior was more than I expected. It was like I had been playing in the minor leagues and now I was in the majors. It started like all my prior relationships, we were happy and 'in love' for the first 3 or 4 months until I discovered that he had been cheating on me. When I confronted him and demanded answers I got more than I had bargained for. The arguing started and became fights. The fights were vicious and the pattern had formed. After the first run in, I realized that this was more dangerous than anything I had ever experienced. But I did not walk away, right away. I just figured that I could control the levels and just not let it get to that point again. The problem with that thinking is that the stage was already set and I couldn't control his behavior towards me from that point on.

The arguements had become public and humiliating. My embarassment only seemed to further stimulate him. I went from being my own aggressive defender to being completely afraid to speak up for myself. Any injustice that I commented on could turn into an arguement, that turned into a fight that turned into a beating. I went from arguing back and getting into fights because I responded to getting into fights for just sitting there in silence (not arguing back at all). That is when I realized that I had become a 'victim', even by my own definition of the word. No matter what I did, I did it wrong therefore inciting the subsequent violent episodes I had to endure. I was emotionally abused, psychologically abused and physically abused all by someone I loved. And I loved him unconditionally, because that's what I thought loving a person "unconditionally" meant. I love you through the good, through the bad, and through the abusively ugly.

When I'd finally had enough of the cycle and called the cops, family finally intervened -- HIS family. I was called every name in the book. I was a drama queen & reminded that "all couples fight". I was accused of "trying to set him up" and "Destroying his life" just because we "couldn't get along". When I asked his mother "What about my life?" & "My value"and "what should you do when you are being physically attacked by a person that refuses to walk away from the situation" "How do you get a quick resolution?" she had no answer for me. And luckily for me- I didn't wait around for one. I had to learn slowly that I needed to get away from that situation, I couldn't love him out of being an abuser. And if I stayed more times than not it would have ended worst than anyone could've imagined.

I'm saddened that as black women, we seem to lack empathy for each other. We are the largest group affected by domestic abuse. To continue to perpetuate the belief that we are doing something wrong to deserve this treatment, is unreal. This ignorance is outrageous! And now as the mother of a daughter, I want her to understand that there is never a valid justification for domestic violence & domestic abuse.

While I agree with her critics, Rihanna speaking out now while promoting her album is alittle insincere. But the fact is, that shouldn't be a reason to cloud the message she is trying to convey to women of all different ages & backgrounds who are experiencing the same issues.

Signed HONEYGRiP